You know your child has been in hospital too long when...
1)....you can tell ten things about a new nurse instantly from the colour of his/her scrubs and style of his/her shoes.
2)....your hands don't feel 'clean' until there is hand sanitiser involved.
3)....you have stopped licking your fingers when cooking/eating because hand sanitiser tastes gross.
4)....you know that a good nurse will stop a mediocre doctor from killing a patient but if a mediocre nurse came on shift you'd be afraid to go and pee for 8 hours.
5)....you know which alarms to worry about and which ones you can switch off and tell the nurse about later and which ones you switch off and ignore.
6)....you know what each "code" means when it is called over the PA system.
7)....the nurses tell the patients of new admissions to ask you if they can't find a nurse and they want to know something.
8)....your family and friends need a dictionary of medical terms to understand you.
9)....you firmly believe your morning mocha should qualify for a medicare rebate
10)....you wonder if the seemingly permanent twitch in one one of the bags under your eyes will burn off the calories from your medicinal mocha.
11)....you know which floor of the hospital contains which speciality off by heart.
12)....you can find your way around the hospital. At all.
13)....you threaten to beat anyone who uses the "Q" word (quiet).
14)....you know which hospital 'rules' you need to obey, which ones you can bend and which ones you can totally ignore.
15)....you have at least three good friends who have children with life threatening conditions.
16)....four or more of your child's doctors know you well enough to tell you that you look awful.
17)....you not only know the names of most of your nurses, you also know their hobbies, favourite books and movies and children's names.
18)....you have ever helped the cleaner as a form of stress relief.
19)....the nurse comes in to see that you have taken full obs and written notes.
20)....you consider 3 tubes and 5 wires attached to your child to be completely manageable, in fact, almost normal!
Here's to going home soon.
And here's a bonus 5
21)....you know which days to avoid the cafeteria
22)....you know what times to avoid trying to get a coffee (the cue between 8-9 weekdays is INSANELY long)
23)....you are on a first name basis with staff from at least five different departments
24)....you consider it a good thing if appointments etc. are running late because you know it means your child isn't the most urgent case.
25)....you have unintentionally memorised the roster of the cleaners, ward clerks and kitchen personnel.