I remember the day of her birth.
Placed on my belly, the warm, moist form looked up at me brightly then started crawling toward my breast making sucking sounds - before I even said hello.
I scooped her into my arms and moved the umbilical cord to have a look.
Then I looked again.
Then I looked AGAIN.
The bossy midwife who I didn't like called across the room
"WELL? What have you got?"
I ignored her and turned to Beloved.
"we got a girl."
In amongst the high of birth, the indescribable love that was washing through me toward her and the praise and thanksgiving to God for this precious soul in my arms there was sheer, unabated, TERROR.
a girl.
a GIRL.
A GIRL.
A GIRL!?!
What are you THINKING Lord?
This isn't the plan.
Sons, I was going to have all sons.
Boys are resilient, out there, EASY!
I can do boys.
I can tell what boys are thinking, most of the time.
They don't play games with people's heads.
Boys always, on some level, think their Mum is brilliant.
Girls - well they seem to learn different at some stage.
Everything is navy blue and red Lord, EVERYTHING.
I don't think I even have a pink blanket.
I have been referring to this child as "he" for months and months.
I've scarred her for life already I'm sure.
What to I know about girls????
I don't even know about being a woman myself.
I have screwed that up royally,
along with my marriage and everything else you have given me.
So I looked around from under the warm sheet, flung over me and my newborn amid the birthing fluids.
I saw my husband, a man who I loved with the greatest passion,
a man who I had been separated from in terms of address
for almost the entire pregnancy,
a man who I had been separated from on deeper levels for much, much longer.
The look on his face was - joy, amazement, and a million other things.
The shock numbed me at first I think. I had been so sure that she was a boy. Terrified of the alternative.
We didn't find out our baby's gender during the scan, possibly because I was afraid to find out in retrospect.
I had never been totally comfortable with being a woman. I never had a desire to be a man or was confused about my gender or anything like that, but the mantle didn't sit easy. To be a role model to a little girl seemed completely beyond my capabilities.
Beloved and I were trying to piece together the broken shards of our marriage and the little one I held in my arms was the only thing to make me truly, deeply, happy for a very long time. Possibly the only thing to make me truly happy ever at that stage. And I was DETERMINED to do the best I could. Stubborn is one thing I CAN do well, so I set my jaw stepped out.
Over the months and years that followed there was an amazing journey for me. A journey of motherhood, yes, but a whole different journey meshed with the first, but at the same time completely separate.
The journey of becoming a woman.
A journey I am yet to complete.
Showing posts with label who I am. Show all posts
Showing posts with label who I am. Show all posts
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Monday, September 07, 2009
I dream
of a massive family.
adopting from Ethiopia and/or Romania.
Jon working from home full time.
of a bit of land to feed us from.
of a writing studio and time to use it.
of hiking, camping and singing together.
Wild, extravagant dreams.
Dreams that seem impossible in this moment.
But still, I dream.
I remember when being a wife and a mother was my dream - more than a dream, an obsession. Instead of preparing myself for the role, I threw myself into relationships backward - in the custom of my culture - falling in love first, asking questions later. It wasn't until I finally let go of the dream, gave it to God, and focused on what He needed me to do in the NOW that the dream arrived.
So I still dream.
I read blogs written by Mums of large families with international adoptions, I read about the less shiny parts of being an adoptive Mum, and articles by Mums who have followed that particular road and had the good sense to point out some of the pot holes they hit on the way.
I write occassinally and read whenever I can so the skills don't totally rust away. I bookmark articles on the art of writing in the vague hope I will get time to read them and fill notebooks and journals with thoughts that I may one day finish (when all the kids leave home?).
We shop for land and madly save every penny we can (which isn't much). We research different enterprises and try not to get totally out of practise where all things rural are concerned, in spite of living in the middle of town (btw, town is 1 shop, 1 school, 1 pub, 1 post office and a couple of assorted tourist attractions and B&B's, so we aren't total city slickers!).
We sing every day.
We hike sometimes too.
We have lined up some camping trips with friends this summer.
And sometimes we, I, dream.
But mostly, I try and stay in the here and now. I try and learn the lessons of today, leaving the dream in God's hands. NOW, He is teaching me the lessons of keeping house by giving me an itty bitty one to manage for a while (I remember praying a while back that He would teach me to keep house better - you'd think I'd learn). I am learning patience. I am learning to let go of what doesn't matter and hold tight to what does. I am learning to put Patrice back in her box. I am learning where I can get love and support and to make use of those avenues BEFORE I get to crisis point. I am learning that it isn't my will that matters, but His. I am learning that He has great plans for me.
I dream, but beyond that I LIVE. Because I have been given life abundantly and HIS dreams for me are beyond even my wildest.
adopting from Ethiopia and/or Romania.
Jon working from home full time.
of a bit of land to feed us from.
of a writing studio and time to use it.
of hiking, camping and singing together.
Wild, extravagant dreams.
Dreams that seem impossible in this moment.
But still, I dream.
I remember when being a wife and a mother was my dream - more than a dream, an obsession. Instead of preparing myself for the role, I threw myself into relationships backward - in the custom of my culture - falling in love first, asking questions later. It wasn't until I finally let go of the dream, gave it to God, and focused on what He needed me to do in the NOW that the dream arrived.
So I still dream.
I read blogs written by Mums of large families with international adoptions, I read about the less shiny parts of being an adoptive Mum, and articles by Mums who have followed that particular road and had the good sense to point out some of the pot holes they hit on the way.
I write occassinally and read whenever I can so the skills don't totally rust away. I bookmark articles on the art of writing in the vague hope I will get time to read them and fill notebooks and journals with thoughts that I may one day finish (when all the kids leave home?).
We shop for land and madly save every penny we can (which isn't much). We research different enterprises and try not to get totally out of practise where all things rural are concerned, in spite of living in the middle of town (btw, town is 1 shop, 1 school, 1 pub, 1 post office and a couple of assorted tourist attractions and B&B's, so we aren't total city slickers!).
We sing every day.
We hike sometimes too.
We have lined up some camping trips with friends this summer.
And sometimes we, I, dream.
But mostly, I try and stay in the here and now. I try and learn the lessons of today, leaving the dream in God's hands. NOW, He is teaching me the lessons of keeping house by giving me an itty bitty one to manage for a while (I remember praying a while back that He would teach me to keep house better - you'd think I'd learn). I am learning patience. I am learning to let go of what doesn't matter and hold tight to what does. I am learning to put Patrice back in her box. I am learning where I can get love and support and to make use of those avenues BEFORE I get to crisis point. I am learning that it isn't my will that matters, but His. I am learning that He has great plans for me.
I dream, but beyond that I LIVE. Because I have been given life abundantly and HIS dreams for me are beyond even my wildest.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Award
Jillian from homeschooling4Christ was kind enough to give me an "Honest Scrap Award"!
I am supposed to tell you ten honest things about myself. If you look around on this Blog long enough you'd probably find a few more than ten things, but anyway.....
(1) I firmly there are few works of fiction in the world that cannot be improved with the addition of a talking dragon and reading Lord of the Rings was a high point in my literary life.
(2) I can't decide what I would dress up as if I ever went to a Sci-Fi/fantasy convention, but I would dearly love to go to one anyway. I see-saw between a Firefly character, something from Monty Python or something Tolkinesque.
(3) I have a thing for chunky, dangly earrings at the moment. It is cheeper and less permanent than having "Warning: this person may not be as conventional as she first appears" tattooed on my forehead.
(4) I love dirt and gardening with a passion and have only recently and reluctantly given in to wearing gardening gloves. I miss the dirt against my hands, but it makes it easier to quickly attend to children without having to first wash my hands.
(5) I am currently reading the third book in the Empire series by Colin Igguledon. It puts some living colour into early Rome and I am loving every minute, in spite of the absence of talking dragons.
(6) I love making schedules, timetables and lists but sadly have a little less love for actually DOING the things on those schedules, timetables and lists. As a consequence, I can happily while away hours writing while the house falls apart!
(7) I could quite happily spend a month without seeing another person other than my family and when I was studying I would deliberately spend a week or two in complete solitude (as much as you can in the dorms!) without socialising with anyone. I am not a people person!
(8) I have to remind myself that I was "busy" once too and to stop being a snob when I get frustrated with people who claim that they are "sooooo busy" because they have two kids, one school aged and at school and they have to keep their (completely built) house tidy. I have to remind myself that not all people are as insane as me and "Busy" is in the eye of the beholder.
(9) I did Bible Study today with a documentary on TV for the kids and Christopher sitting on my lap doodling on my notes page - it actually worked quite well all 'round!
(10) I believe more bookshelves is 90% of the answer to the issues I have with keeping a routine and being organised at the moment. I may not be right, but I am clinging to that belief until I am proven wrong (preferably by more bookshelves!)
I am also meant to choose 7 blogs to pass this on to, but I am going to cheat and say go to my blog roll on the right hand side of the page and pick seven, they are all great!
I am supposed to tell you ten honest things about myself. If you look around on this Blog long enough you'd probably find a few more than ten things, but anyway.....
(1) I firmly there are few works of fiction in the world that cannot be improved with the addition of a talking dragon and reading Lord of the Rings was a high point in my literary life.
(2) I can't decide what I would dress up as if I ever went to a Sci-Fi/fantasy convention, but I would dearly love to go to one anyway. I see-saw between a Firefly character, something from Monty Python or something Tolkinesque.
(3) I have a thing for chunky, dangly earrings at the moment. It is cheeper and less permanent than having "Warning: this person may not be as conventional as she first appears" tattooed on my forehead.
(4) I love dirt and gardening with a passion and have only recently and reluctantly given in to wearing gardening gloves. I miss the dirt against my hands, but it makes it easier to quickly attend to children without having to first wash my hands.
(5) I am currently reading the third book in the Empire series by Colin Igguledon. It puts some living colour into early Rome and I am loving every minute, in spite of the absence of talking dragons.
(6) I love making schedules, timetables and lists but sadly have a little less love for actually DOING the things on those schedules, timetables and lists. As a consequence, I can happily while away hours writing while the house falls apart!
(7) I could quite happily spend a month without seeing another person other than my family and when I was studying I would deliberately spend a week or two in complete solitude (as much as you can in the dorms!) without socialising with anyone. I am not a people person!
(8) I have to remind myself that I was "busy" once too and to stop being a snob when I get frustrated with people who claim that they are "sooooo busy" because they have two kids, one school aged and at school and they have to keep their (completely built) house tidy. I have to remind myself that not all people are as insane as me and "Busy" is in the eye of the beholder.
(9) I did Bible Study today with a documentary on TV for the kids and Christopher sitting on my lap doodling on my notes page - it actually worked quite well all 'round!
(10) I believe more bookshelves is 90% of the answer to the issues I have with keeping a routine and being organised at the moment. I may not be right, but I am clinging to that belief until I am proven wrong (preferably by more bookshelves!)
I am also meant to choose 7 blogs to pass this on to, but I am going to cheat and say go to my blog roll on the right hand side of the page and pick seven, they are all great!
Friday, May 15, 2009
Who I am...part 2
Who I am is closely linked with what I believe.
I have been slow to write a statement of beliefs on here as such posts seem to attract googlesperts and divisive people on other blogs, but I doubt many such people frequent this blog.
So, what do I believe?
I believe that I need Jesus and all He so graciously offers.
I believe that I am so in need of His Grace, every day I understand just how deep this need is a little more.
I believe the Bible is the true and infallible Word of God, meant for teaching, rebuking, and correcting me and training me in the ways of righteousness
I believe nothing that I do or say can add to the gift of grace.
I believe that little by little every day, little by little in every way, Jesus is changing me.
Now for the doctrine stuff.
What "brand" am I?
I affiliate myself with the Seventh-day Adventist Church, but do not believe this affiliation means that I should check in my brain at the door, but that I should continue to maintain a direct line with God and His Word, testing all spirits.
Do you hold a Quiverfull Conviction (a belief that all women should receive children eagerly as blessings from God, eschewing all forms of birth control, including natural family planning and sterilization.)? Do you keep having kids because you think birth control is a sin?
No I do not hold a quiverfull conviction. My thoughts on this subject are very close to a particularly articulate blog post written by Amy over at Amy's Humble Musings. I've also touched on this before. The short version of my beliefs is: I receive each of my children as a gift from God. I am thrilled to receive each, blessed with wonderful pregnancies and births I see no reason to down or stop that outweigh the reasons I have for keeping on going! But one arrow, shot straight, won the Battle of Hastings. I believe that the most important thing I need to do as a parent, is raise my babies to God's Glory.
Do you think homeschooling is required to raise Godly children?
I love homeschooling and I am passionate about it. But no, in almost 20 years of close contact with homeschooling (observer, student and teacher) I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly of homeschooling. I believe homeschooling is what my family has been called to do, I don't really have time to think about what other people should do to tell the truth. I am quite self involved that way!
So here is a little more of who I am, what I believe.
Thank-you again for stopping by!
I have been slow to write a statement of beliefs on here as such posts seem to attract googlesperts and divisive people on other blogs, but I doubt many such people frequent this blog.
So, what do I believe?
I believe that I need Jesus and all He so graciously offers.
I believe that I am so in need of His Grace, every day I understand just how deep this need is a little more.
I believe the Bible is the true and infallible Word of God, meant for teaching, rebuking, and correcting me and training me in the ways of righteousness
I believe nothing that I do or say can add to the gift of grace.
I believe that little by little every day, little by little in every way, Jesus is changing me.
Now for the doctrine stuff.
What "brand" am I?
I affiliate myself with the Seventh-day Adventist Church, but do not believe this affiliation means that I should check in my brain at the door, but that I should continue to maintain a direct line with God and His Word, testing all spirits.
Do you hold a Quiverfull Conviction (a belief that all women should receive children eagerly as blessings from God, eschewing all forms of birth control, including natural family planning and sterilization.)? Do you keep having kids because you think birth control is a sin?
No I do not hold a quiverfull conviction. My thoughts on this subject are very close to a particularly articulate blog post written by Amy over at Amy's Humble Musings. I've also touched on this before. The short version of my beliefs is: I receive each of my children as a gift from God. I am thrilled to receive each, blessed with wonderful pregnancies and births I see no reason to down or stop that outweigh the reasons I have for keeping on going! But one arrow, shot straight, won the Battle of Hastings. I believe that the most important thing I need to do as a parent, is raise my babies to God's Glory.
Do you think homeschooling is required to raise Godly children?
I love homeschooling and I am passionate about it. But no, in almost 20 years of close contact with homeschooling (observer, student and teacher) I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly of homeschooling. I believe homeschooling is what my family has been called to do, I don't really have time to think about what other people should do to tell the truth. I am quite self involved that way!
So here is a little more of who I am, what I believe.
Thank-you again for stopping by!
Friday, April 24, 2009
Who I am ...part 1
I have been blogging for a while now and to tell you the truth, the only people who I thought would read this more than once are my kid's grandmothers! Hi Mum! Hi Kester! It has become clear that I actually have a readership or more than two. So I should probably introduce myself.
Hi, my name is Jess.
That doesn't tell you anything you didn't know from the title does it?
Describing me has always been something I found difficult, so here's what I will do. I will tell you what I am not, using examples that most will know and relate to, and you can fill in the rest.
I am not.....
The Popular Kid.
The one at school who got on with everyone and everyone wanted, at least a little bit, to be liked by and to be like. That's not me. That would require me being a people person. Which I am not. I like people, but I also kind of like people to leave me alone. Popular kids usually lead out in the trends and fads, set an example that people want to follow and take themselves fairly seriously. Taking myself seriously is something that I am NOT good at!
The Geek.
I describe myself as a "thinker and writer of fluctuating skill" in my side bar, please don't mistake that for meaning that I am a smart kid - or geek to use the high school term. To say that I am clever because I think a lot about a lot of different things, is sort of like saying I am Jamie Oliver because I spend a lot of time in the kitchen or I am Shakespeare because I like writing- it doesn't follow. I can fool some people sometimes because I read a lot (or whenever I have a chance, which isn't so much a lot these days) and wear glasses. But at the end of the day I am a bear-of-very-little-brain and I am quite comfortable with that! Also, I am awful at maths. So while I enjoy Monty Python and can actually work out what most of the slogans on the t-shirts at Think Geeks mean, I am not a geek.
The Nice Girl.
The nice girl is nice to everyone and everyone likes her. She is never ever abrasive, confronting or socially inappropriate. She never comes out with odd comments completely out of left field that leave everyone wondering if they heard all of that conversation or if part of it went on with the little voices inside her head. I am not this girl. She is usually conservative and doesn't push the envelope with beliefs or stances. She doesn't do things out of the ordinary and certainly doesn't provoke people just a little bit to see how they react and secretly feel a touch of naughty glee when she gets a bite. Needless to say, this is not me.
The Radical
If there is a cause this girl is on it, she hugs trees, boycotts wool products because PETA says she should, demonstrates every weekend, usually has a petition for people to sign and seeks out to be all the things that the nice girl isn't. If it isn't controversial this girl doesn't want a part of it! This girl is not me. It used to be a little bit me, back in my uni days when I toted black nail polish and a copy of the Female Eunuch around my conservative Christian college, but not so much now. I'm afraid I am a bit to cynical to take the word of a greenie who demonstrates against sustainable forestry then drives home in a car thousands of miles overdue for a service, enters their timber house and stokes up their wood fire before folding thousands of paper pamphlets ready to letterbox against the proposed paper pulp mill! Being a radical for the sake of it is exhausting. Though I gotta admit, every now and then I do throw the odd controversial or provoking remark out there, just to stir things up.
The Shy Kid.
The shy kid who sits unobtrusively in the corner. Comes and goes without drawing attention to themselves. Never debates a point with the teacher or makes waves. Yeah, not me either.
The Goth.
The kid with the black clothes, bad hair dye and loads too much make up who everyone thinks is depressed. I would have LIKED to be this kid once, but the whole effort of putting on that much make up put me off. The nail polish was as far as it got, and I don't even get that far anymore. I just can't take myself that seriously.
The "Conservative Fundamentalist" Kid
You know the one who shows up and stands on a bench in the middle of the playground and preaches to the other kids about how they shouldn't be kissing (or in the current high schools, getting high/laid :S) behind the shelter sheds. The one who organises prayer groups and Bible studies before and after school which only every get one attendee because everyone feels vaguely guilty when they are around her. The one who gets a little thrill out of getting beaten up after school because she thinks of herself as being persecuted and earning brownie points with God with every punch. While I share many beliefs with this kid, I stopped trying to earn brownie points with God a long time ago. So far, God and I are both happy with this decision! I am also more likely to be found sitting on the bench telling someone about how God loves them and what a difference He made in my life.
The sporty kid/Jock.
You mean people run on purpose?? When nothing is chasing them?? For FUN???
Miss Perfect
got the perfect schedule? The perfect grades? The perfect family? Are you always reliable? High achieving? Self disciplined? YOU ARE NOT ME THEN!
Now for what I AM.
I am saved. I am learning. I am changing. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a homemaker. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am a reader. I am a writer. I am a gardener. I am me.
If, in this blog, you find something that lifts, inspires or encourages you, Thank God! If you find something that pricks your conscience, makes you check out your beliefs or touches your heart to change, Thank God. For all the other stuff, thank me :)
And thank YOU for stopping by.
Jess
Hi, my name is Jess.
That doesn't tell you anything you didn't know from the title does it?
Describing me has always been something I found difficult, so here's what I will do. I will tell you what I am not, using examples that most will know and relate to, and you can fill in the rest.
I am not.....
The Popular Kid.
The one at school who got on with everyone and everyone wanted, at least a little bit, to be liked by and to be like. That's not me. That would require me being a people person. Which I am not. I like people, but I also kind of like people to leave me alone. Popular kids usually lead out in the trends and fads, set an example that people want to follow and take themselves fairly seriously. Taking myself seriously is something that I am NOT good at!
The Geek.
I describe myself as a "thinker and writer of fluctuating skill" in my side bar, please don't mistake that for meaning that I am a smart kid - or geek to use the high school term. To say that I am clever because I think a lot about a lot of different things, is sort of like saying I am Jamie Oliver because I spend a lot of time in the kitchen or I am Shakespeare because I like writing- it doesn't follow. I can fool some people sometimes because I read a lot (or whenever I have a chance, which isn't so much a lot these days) and wear glasses. But at the end of the day I am a bear-of-very-little-brain and I am quite comfortable with that! Also, I am awful at maths. So while I enjoy Monty Python and can actually work out what most of the slogans on the t-shirts at Think Geeks mean, I am not a geek.
The Nice Girl.
The nice girl is nice to everyone and everyone likes her. She is never ever abrasive, confronting or socially inappropriate. She never comes out with odd comments completely out of left field that leave everyone wondering if they heard all of that conversation or if part of it went on with the little voices inside her head. I am not this girl. She is usually conservative and doesn't push the envelope with beliefs or stances. She doesn't do things out of the ordinary and certainly doesn't provoke people just a little bit to see how they react and secretly feel a touch of naughty glee when she gets a bite. Needless to say, this is not me.
The Radical
If there is a cause this girl is on it, she hugs trees, boycotts wool products because PETA says she should, demonstrates every weekend, usually has a petition for people to sign and seeks out to be all the things that the nice girl isn't. If it isn't controversial this girl doesn't want a part of it! This girl is not me. It used to be a little bit me, back in my uni days when I toted black nail polish and a copy of the Female Eunuch around my conservative Christian college, but not so much now. I'm afraid I am a bit to cynical to take the word of a greenie who demonstrates against sustainable forestry then drives home in a car thousands of miles overdue for a service, enters their timber house and stokes up their wood fire before folding thousands of paper pamphlets ready to letterbox against the proposed paper pulp mill! Being a radical for the sake of it is exhausting. Though I gotta admit, every now and then I do throw the odd controversial or provoking remark out there, just to stir things up.
The Shy Kid.
The shy kid who sits unobtrusively in the corner. Comes and goes without drawing attention to themselves. Never debates a point with the teacher or makes waves. Yeah, not me either.
The Goth.
The kid with the black clothes, bad hair dye and loads too much make up who everyone thinks is depressed. I would have LIKED to be this kid once, but the whole effort of putting on that much make up put me off. The nail polish was as far as it got, and I don't even get that far anymore. I just can't take myself that seriously.
The "Conservative Fundamentalist" Kid
You know the one who shows up and stands on a bench in the middle of the playground and preaches to the other kids about how they shouldn't be kissing (or in the current high schools, getting high/laid :S) behind the shelter sheds. The one who organises prayer groups and Bible studies before and after school which only every get one attendee because everyone feels vaguely guilty when they are around her. The one who gets a little thrill out of getting beaten up after school because she thinks of herself as being persecuted and earning brownie points with God with every punch. While I share many beliefs with this kid, I stopped trying to earn brownie points with God a long time ago. So far, God and I are both happy with this decision! I am also more likely to be found sitting on the bench telling someone about how God loves them and what a difference He made in my life.
The sporty kid/Jock.
You mean people run on purpose?? When nothing is chasing them?? For FUN???
Miss Perfect
got the perfect schedule? The perfect grades? The perfect family? Are you always reliable? High achieving? Self disciplined? YOU ARE NOT ME THEN!
Now for what I AM.
I am saved. I am learning. I am changing. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a homemaker. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I am a reader. I am a writer. I am a gardener. I am me.
If, in this blog, you find something that lifts, inspires or encourages you, Thank God! If you find something that pricks your conscience, makes you check out your beliefs or touches your heart to change, Thank God. For all the other stuff, thank me :)
And thank YOU for stopping by.
Jess
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