Sunday, February 22, 2009

A Confession

Confession time.

I miss writing.

I'm not talking about the writing that I do on here or on stray bits of paper that get jammed into folders. I miss the REAL writing. The type that makes you sweat blood as you try and craft the words into something beautiful, something true.

It simply isn't something I can do at the moment.

That type of writing takes TIME.

You have to NOT think about it for an hour or so first, go for a walk, clean the bathroom, something. Then you have to pound the keyboard. After several hours of keyboard pounding, you find it. That state of being totally in the zone, words flowing, characters leaping off the page, mental images dancing in your mind. It sounds tranquil, but it isn't. Fingers fly, trying to get it all down. Your mind reaches out and grabs at the ideas, the words and characters that seem just out of reach. It is like pushing up that last Km up a mountain. Except then, you have to go back and trawl through it all to find the stuff that is really good, and after a day of work you think you have something. Then you go back the next day and nearly cry with frustration because the words on the page don't quite have the magic of the day before. So you go back, and you do it all again.

And I miss it, because I love it.

The same way a marathon runner would miss running I guess.

I wish there were four of me at least to do all the things that I want to do at the moment.

You see, being HAPPY makes me want to do things. Watching these little people develop and grow provides me with a million different moments of inspiration in a day. I could spend a few hours just writing about Anna's belly button (seriously, the swirl of her belly button is increadable! I spend ages gazing at it every day. It is sort of shaped like this: @. And Christopher's is like this: *.... No, I was talking about something else, one day I will do a special post about belly buttons another day).

Sleep, while nice, seems like such a waste of time at the moment. When they are awake I want to watch them and be with them. Drink them in and take pictures with my mind and be a Mummy. When they are asleep I want to DO. I want to clean, sew, write, blog, create, love, dance, sing, learn, teach......

But this pesky body has it's limitations.

I just hope this over abundance of creative energy has a long shelf life so I can still dip my hands in its quicksilver between rocking grandbabies one day and WRITE again.


Momma Bug said...

That's how I feel about drawing.

I must say Jess, that I enjoy your flair with words. I can't wait to read some of the result of all that sweat:-)

It has been (and continues to be) very hard for me to remember on a moment by moment level, that this is not the season for doing the things that are on MY list. I believe in my roll as wife and mother, and preach it even, but remembering to give every moment to these precious children is hard.

So Lord... More of YOU. Less of me. Daily.

Thanks Jess, for doing what you are doing. Going where He leads, obeying even when the path is difficult, and being a ray of sunshine for me (and others)in the midst of it all!

Love ya:-)

TasJess said...

It's the artistic curse, when life is full you are full of inspiration but don't have time. When life is empty, you have plenty of time but lack inspiration!! There will come a day when I miss their baby moments and long for someone to spit up on my shoulder or wet their pants when I am trying to write I'm sure! LOL