Monday, September 07, 2009

I dream

of a massive family.
adopting from Ethiopia and/or Romania.
Jon working from home full time.
of a bit of land to feed us from.
of a writing studio and time to use it.
of hiking, camping and singing together.

Wild, extravagant dreams.

Dreams that seem impossible in this moment.

But still, I dream.

I remember when being a wife and a mother was my dream - more than a dream, an obsession. Instead of preparing myself for the role, I threw myself into relationships backward - in the custom of my culture - falling in love first, asking questions later. It wasn't until I finally let go of the dream, gave it to God, and focused on what He needed me to do in the NOW that the dream arrived.

So I still dream.

I read blogs written by Mums of large families with international adoptions, I read about the less shiny parts of being an adoptive Mum, and articles by Mums who have followed that particular road and had the good sense to point out some of the pot holes they hit on the way.

I write occassinally and read whenever I can so the skills don't totally rust away. I bookmark articles on the art of writing in the vague hope I will get time to read them and fill notebooks and journals with thoughts that I may one day finish (when all the kids leave home?).

We shop for land and madly save every penny we can (which isn't much). We research different enterprises and try not to get totally out of practise where all things rural are concerned, in spite of living in the middle of town (btw, town is 1 shop, 1 school, 1 pub, 1 post office and a couple of assorted tourist attractions and B&B's, so we aren't total city slickers!).

We sing every day.

We hike sometimes too.

We have lined up some camping trips with friends this summer.

And sometimes we, I, dream.

But mostly, I try and stay in the here and now. I try and learn the lessons of today, leaving the dream in God's hands. NOW, He is teaching me the lessons of keeping house by giving me an itty bitty one to manage for a while (I remember praying a while back that He would teach me to keep house better - you'd think I'd learn). I am learning patience. I am learning to let go of what doesn't matter and hold tight to what does. I am learning to put Patrice back in her box. I am learning where I can get love and support and to make use of those avenues BEFORE I get to crisis point. I am learning that it isn't my will that matters, but His. I am learning that He has great plans for me.

I dream, but beyond that I LIVE. Because I have been given life abundantly and HIS dreams for me are beyond even my wildest.

1 comment:

Momma Bug said...

And that is the truth!
Guess who gives us our dreams? ;-)