Update and why I keep a nature journal

I am sorry for not keeping everyone better up to date but no news has been largely good news.

Kaylee's heart op has been a resounding success.  Her artery is a wee bit leaky and a wee bit narrow still but that is to be expected and we just watch it until she has another surgery somewhere down the line - possibly not until she reaches puberty.

All the specialists, nurses and random staff members involved deserve sloppy kisses and big fat gold stars and Kaylee herself deserves a galaxy of gold stars and gets lots of big kisses.  We have dodged every bullet and the only complication has been an easily managed urinary tract infection.

Now we are over that first big scary hurdle it is time to focus on what's next.

Formulating a plan of how to do that involves numerous specialists, departments and the negotiation skills of an UN mediator.  Anyone who feels they are being left out of the loop where Kaylee is concerned, rest assured, there is no loop.  There is currently a great big blob with me sitting in the middle of it closing my eyes and praying to have the strength NOT to beat a gastroenterologist with a haggis until he sees things from my perspective.

Kaylee's feeding needs sorting, a plan for her gastro stuff needs formulating, a timeline which takes into account the fact that her cleft needs fixing needs making and a plan for future cardio assessments needs reviewing.  This could take one day, one week or one month.  Welcome to the world of special needs parenting.

In the middle of all this I am trying to carve out time to sit by the window and write in my nature journal.

My nature journal is a random collection of bird identifications, cloud descriptions, pondering on the weather and ruminations on the picnic-ing habits of the staff and families here at the hospital.  There is the odd very amateur sketch or feather sticky taped in.  Much of it would not make sense to anyone else.

Why bother with this when there is so much else taking up my time?

Because of the answer God gave Job.

When Job asked that universal question of "Why?" God replied with a long description of the wonders of creation.  If you stayed only with a surface reading of this book, you could be forgiven for thinking that God dodged the question.  But the truth is, God recognised the true question within that "Why?

There is no answer to the "why?" question which will satisfy us in this lifetime.  Nothing will make it OK.  The true question within each of us - the question that bursts from us louder and clearer when we are stopped still by trauma - is: "Are You bigger than this?"

Are You bigger than this pain?  Are You stronger than this disaster?  Can I trust You to make this OK?  Even this?

And written in the love letter of creation is a very clear message:

I am Huge.

And written in the Word is another:

I love you.

And if you put these two together.....
it makes tomorrow not so scary. 

We are having fun with cuddles, trips to the zoo and a million different good things and I am working hard to get a plan to deal with the not-so-good things.  Kaylee is doing beautifully.

And when I am tempted to yell at specialists or stress about that which is yet to happen, I grab my pencil and write about clouds.  And for a moment or two, remember that God is Huge, and He loves me.