I remember the day of her birth.
Placed on my belly, the warm, moist form looked up at me brightly then started crawling toward my breast making sucking sounds - before I even said hello.
I scooped her into my arms and moved the umbilical cord to have a look.
Then I looked again.
Then I looked AGAIN.
The bossy midwife who I didn't like called across the room
"WELL? What have you got?"
I ignored her and turned to Beloved.
"we got a girl."
In amongst the high of birth, the indescribable love that was washing through me toward her and the praise and thanksgiving to God for this precious soul in my arms there was sheer, unabated, TERROR.
a girl.
a GIRL.
A GIRL.
A GIRL!?!
What are you THINKING Lord?
This isn't the plan.
Sons, I was going to have all sons.
Boys are resilient, out there, EASY!
I can do boys.
I can tell what boys are thinking, most of the time.
They don't play games with people's heads.
Boys always, on some level, think their Mum is brilliant.
Girls - well they seem to learn different at some stage.
Everything is navy blue and red Lord, EVERYTHING.
I don't think I even have a pink blanket.
I have been referring to this child as "he" for months and months.
I've scarred her for life already I'm sure.
What to I know about girls????
I don't even know about being a woman myself.
I have screwed that up royally,
along with my marriage and everything else you have given me.
So I looked around from under the warm sheet, flung over me and my newborn amid the birthing fluids.
I saw my husband, a man who I loved with the greatest passion,
a man who I had been separated from in terms of address
for almost the entire pregnancy,
a man who I had been separated from on deeper levels for much, much longer.
The look on his face was - joy, amazement, and a million other things.
The shock numbed me at first I think. I had been so sure that she was a boy. Terrified of the alternative.
We didn't find out our baby's gender during the scan, possibly because I was afraid to find out in retrospect.
I had never been totally comfortable with being a woman. I never had a desire to be a man or was confused about my gender or anything like that, but the mantle didn't sit easy. To be a role model to a little girl seemed completely beyond my capabilities.
Beloved and I were trying to piece together the broken shards of our marriage and the little one I held in my arms was the only thing to make me truly, deeply, happy for a very long time. Possibly the only thing to make me truly happy ever at that stage. And I was DETERMINED to do the best I could. Stubborn is one thing I CAN do well, so I set my jaw stepped out.
Over the months and years that followed there was an amazing journey for me. A journey of motherhood, yes, but a whole different journey meshed with the first, but at the same time completely separate.
The journey of becoming a woman.
A journey I am yet to complete.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Weird childhood memories my children will have #682
Mum crying as she reads 101 Dalmations and the puppies are stolen.
I have only read the book about fifty times - Poor Pongo, Missis and Perdita! Poor Dearlys and Nannies! Poor Puppies!
I have only read the book about fifty times - Poor Pongo, Missis and Perdita! Poor Dearlys and Nannies! Poor Puppies!
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Monday, September 07, 2009
I dream
of a massive family.
adopting from Ethiopia and/or Romania.
Jon working from home full time.
of a bit of land to feed us from.
of a writing studio and time to use it.
of hiking, camping and singing together.
Wild, extravagant dreams.
Dreams that seem impossible in this moment.
But still, I dream.
I remember when being a wife and a mother was my dream - more than a dream, an obsession. Instead of preparing myself for the role, I threw myself into relationships backward - in the custom of my culture - falling in love first, asking questions later. It wasn't until I finally let go of the dream, gave it to God, and focused on what He needed me to do in the NOW that the dream arrived.
So I still dream.
I read blogs written by Mums of large families with international adoptions, I read about the less shiny parts of being an adoptive Mum, and articles by Mums who have followed that particular road and had the good sense to point out some of the pot holes they hit on the way.
I write occassinally and read whenever I can so the skills don't totally rust away. I bookmark articles on the art of writing in the vague hope I will get time to read them and fill notebooks and journals with thoughts that I may one day finish (when all the kids leave home?).
We shop for land and madly save every penny we can (which isn't much). We research different enterprises and try not to get totally out of practise where all things rural are concerned, in spite of living in the middle of town (btw, town is 1 shop, 1 school, 1 pub, 1 post office and a couple of assorted tourist attractions and B&B's, so we aren't total city slickers!).
We sing every day.
We hike sometimes too.
We have lined up some camping trips with friends this summer.
And sometimes we, I, dream.
But mostly, I try and stay in the here and now. I try and learn the lessons of today, leaving the dream in God's hands. NOW, He is teaching me the lessons of keeping house by giving me an itty bitty one to manage for a while (I remember praying a while back that He would teach me to keep house better - you'd think I'd learn). I am learning patience. I am learning to let go of what doesn't matter and hold tight to what does. I am learning to put Patrice back in her box. I am learning where I can get love and support and to make use of those avenues BEFORE I get to crisis point. I am learning that it isn't my will that matters, but His. I am learning that He has great plans for me.
I dream, but beyond that I LIVE. Because I have been given life abundantly and HIS dreams for me are beyond even my wildest.
adopting from Ethiopia and/or Romania.
Jon working from home full time.
of a bit of land to feed us from.
of a writing studio and time to use it.
of hiking, camping and singing together.
Wild, extravagant dreams.
Dreams that seem impossible in this moment.
But still, I dream.
I remember when being a wife and a mother was my dream - more than a dream, an obsession. Instead of preparing myself for the role, I threw myself into relationships backward - in the custom of my culture - falling in love first, asking questions later. It wasn't until I finally let go of the dream, gave it to God, and focused on what He needed me to do in the NOW that the dream arrived.
So I still dream.
I read blogs written by Mums of large families with international adoptions, I read about the less shiny parts of being an adoptive Mum, and articles by Mums who have followed that particular road and had the good sense to point out some of the pot holes they hit on the way.
I write occassinally and read whenever I can so the skills don't totally rust away. I bookmark articles on the art of writing in the vague hope I will get time to read them and fill notebooks and journals with thoughts that I may one day finish (when all the kids leave home?).
We shop for land and madly save every penny we can (which isn't much). We research different enterprises and try not to get totally out of practise where all things rural are concerned, in spite of living in the middle of town (btw, town is 1 shop, 1 school, 1 pub, 1 post office and a couple of assorted tourist attractions and B&B's, so we aren't total city slickers!).
We sing every day.
We hike sometimes too.
We have lined up some camping trips with friends this summer.
And sometimes we, I, dream.
But mostly, I try and stay in the here and now. I try and learn the lessons of today, leaving the dream in God's hands. NOW, He is teaching me the lessons of keeping house by giving me an itty bitty one to manage for a while (I remember praying a while back that He would teach me to keep house better - you'd think I'd learn). I am learning patience. I am learning to let go of what doesn't matter and hold tight to what does. I am learning to put Patrice back in her box. I am learning where I can get love and support and to make use of those avenues BEFORE I get to crisis point. I am learning that it isn't my will that matters, but His. I am learning that He has great plans for me.
I dream, but beyond that I LIVE. Because I have been given life abundantly and HIS dreams for me are beyond even my wildest.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
Top Ten Tips for Family Worship with Preschoolers and Toddlers
1. Use the KISSS principle – Keep it Short and Simple, Sweetheart! One song and a prayer done well has far more impact than a twenty minute session which leaves everyone in tears – including Mum!
2. Keep things predictable. Have worship at a fairly predictable time. After breakfast works for us, everyone is awake and fed and linking it to a feed time means we don’t forget. We don’t forget to eat very often in this house! Also if little ones know what to expect, they will be more likely to cooperate.
3. Have REALISTIC expectations. You are not going to have the Von Trapp family singing harmony in your lounge room. Expect there to be disasterous days. Expect to be singing solo for the first year or two of worship (I did!). Expect to have to teach your children how to behave during worship. Then you are less likely to be disappointed!
4. Realise that teaching and training your children is in and of itself an act of worship. It is hard to feel worshipful when you have to stop “Jesus Loves Me” ten times to administer correction, but correcting and teaching your children IS an act of worship.
5. Stick with it. If you are having worship as a part of the rhythm of your home, it is because it is important to you. Focus on the long term, the ETERNAL, benefits of family worship. It makes it easier to start family worship yet again when it resulted in tears the previous five times.
6. Personalise it to suit your family. At the moment, we have one song each, our pre-prayers songs, family prayer and The Lord’s Prayer. Totally different to what we did last year and I dare say it will change again next year. Do what works, and if it doesn’t work, change it.
7. Have clear expectations. Before worship starts, tell the kids what you want them to do with their hands, feet, eyes, mouth etc. Before prayer time, Say SPECIFICALLY what you want them to do with their hands, feet, eyes, mouth etc. Eventually, get THEM to tell YOU and their other siblings what the expectations are (firstborns especially love this in my experience!) then when those things are NOT done, it is clear defiance and it can be dealt with in the way your family deals with defiance. There will be no space for argument or compromise and kids respond to clear boundaries.
8. Include them in choosing songs. This gives a feeling of ownership. At the moment I could quite cheerfully NEVER sing “The Wise Man Built His House Upon A Rock” OR “Whose the King of the Jungle” but we sing them every day because the boys love them.
9. Don’t expect to see fruit straight away. My kids still go mute during worship, then the other week while he was wandering around the back yard Billy belts out “How Great Thou Art” at the top of his lungs. It gets written on their hearts, even if you can’t see it.
10. Make A Joyful Noise! Find a reason to laugh during worship. “I have fingers that tickle, tickle, tickle” is a verse of our pre-prayer song and it always makes us laugh. You can take a moment to tell the kids one reason you are thankful for them, one thing that makes them special. Whatever it is, make worship a pleasure, not a chore!
2. Keep things predictable. Have worship at a fairly predictable time. After breakfast works for us, everyone is awake and fed and linking it to a feed time means we don’t forget. We don’t forget to eat very often in this house! Also if little ones know what to expect, they will be more likely to cooperate.
3. Have REALISTIC expectations. You are not going to have the Von Trapp family singing harmony in your lounge room. Expect there to be disasterous days. Expect to be singing solo for the first year or two of worship (I did!). Expect to have to teach your children how to behave during worship. Then you are less likely to be disappointed!
4. Realise that teaching and training your children is in and of itself an act of worship. It is hard to feel worshipful when you have to stop “Jesus Loves Me” ten times to administer correction, but correcting and teaching your children IS an act of worship.
5. Stick with it. If you are having worship as a part of the rhythm of your home, it is because it is important to you. Focus on the long term, the ETERNAL, benefits of family worship. It makes it easier to start family worship yet again when it resulted in tears the previous five times.
6. Personalise it to suit your family. At the moment, we have one song each, our pre-prayers songs, family prayer and The Lord’s Prayer. Totally different to what we did last year and I dare say it will change again next year. Do what works, and if it doesn’t work, change it.
7. Have clear expectations. Before worship starts, tell the kids what you want them to do with their hands, feet, eyes, mouth etc. Before prayer time, Say SPECIFICALLY what you want them to do with their hands, feet, eyes, mouth etc. Eventually, get THEM to tell YOU and their other siblings what the expectations are (firstborns especially love this in my experience!) then when those things are NOT done, it is clear defiance and it can be dealt with in the way your family deals with defiance. There will be no space for argument or compromise and kids respond to clear boundaries.
8. Include them in choosing songs. This gives a feeling of ownership. At the moment I could quite cheerfully NEVER sing “The Wise Man Built His House Upon A Rock” OR “Whose the King of the Jungle” but we sing them every day because the boys love them.
9. Don’t expect to see fruit straight away. My kids still go mute during worship, then the other week while he was wandering around the back yard Billy belts out “How Great Thou Art” at the top of his lungs. It gets written on their hearts, even if you can’t see it.
10. Make A Joyful Noise! Find a reason to laugh during worship. “I have fingers that tickle, tickle, tickle” is a verse of our pre-prayer song and it always makes us laugh. You can take a moment to tell the kids one reason you are thankful for them, one thing that makes them special. Whatever it is, make worship a pleasure, not a chore!
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Our new organising systems
Beloved has been away this weekend finishing up the roof rack for the 4wd in his father's shed in Smithton. We need it for our trip to the mainland in October. We miss him terribly!
In his absence I have been filling (overfilling?) my free time with an uber-organising session, getting school tweaked and household chores streamlined. I have created a new system for our jobs with a laminated page stuck up each day with the name and themes of each day.
Our "themes" are as follows:
Sunday: Gardening, building and outdoor work
Monday: Laundry and art
Tuesday: Office work (budget updates etc) and crafts
Wednesday: Errands and poetry
Thursday: Cleaning and Nature
Friday: Cooking and Music
Saturday: Rest and Worship
and BOY, am I ready for that by Friday night!
Why have I created our "theme days"? To break it down and release the pressure AND keep me focused. If I find a FANTASTIC craft that I want to do with the kids, I can schedule it on a coming Tuesday (this week, we're making foot and hand prints for Daddy to have on Father's Day!) rather than
(a) INTENDING to do it and never getting around too it, feeling all the maternal guilt involved in that equation OR
(b) sitting in the middle of COMPLETE chaos finger painting with the kids, having a rollicking good time and - no dinner, late bedtimes, no clean underwear and a paint covered obstacle course in the lounge room.
Big honest moment, the second one is me inside and out! Someone asked me once how I find time for schooling amidst all the housework and taking care of babies. I said, that's easy! It is finding time for HOUSEWORK amid all the schooling and babies I find hard!
On our "day of the week" posters I have a bunch of adhesive velcro dots. I also have a set of envelopes with "Jobs" in them, small cards (about two inches square I guess) with a job on each one. As we do the jobs, we take them off the poster and put them on the envelope. When someone asks if they can do a job for me, I can just look at the poster and give them one. At the end of the job, THEY get to take the card down. It also means I will not get to the end of the day completely forgetting some essential task, it helps me keep focused and on track - something I struggle with! It is also better than assigning a job list for each of the kids at this stage. With such young ones, we need more of an "all in together" system where I can assign jobs according to attention spans and energy, which can vary each day. They also need to work along side me most of the time.
I also have a laminated "ZONE" poster for each of the four "ZONES" in my house, together will a bunch of little jobs that need to be done in that particular area. For example, our current "ZONE" is the bedrooms. I remember that because it is up on my cupboard. I glanced at it this morning and remembered that I wanted to flip the mattresses this week which I did as I changed the sheets. Now, some people keep things like this in their head. I don't. I need visual aids people!
None of this is terribly new to us, most of it was in our household organiser but there are days when I don't open it, or days where I need my reminders to be more flexible. This is working for us at the moment anyway.
A big discovery today was I don't always have time for everything on my list! Here I was just assuming it was because I was lazy and got sidetracked all the time. I remember today. I DON'T remember sitting down. I DON'T remember getting sidetracked. I HAVEN'T gotten everything on the list done. But I did get the important things done and I know tomorrow is a new day. At the end of the day, if I prayed with my kids, if I sang with my kids, if I read to my kids (we read the second chapter of 101 Dalmatians!) and nobody is stuck to the floor or suffering from typhoid, all the rest is details!
Now this sounds horribly chaotic and complex, but it is a system that has been many years in the making and is continually evolving and being tweaked. If anyone has a specific question, I would be happy to try and answer it. Blogs and websites have given me insight into how others organise their time and homes and have helped me greatly.
In his absence I have been filling (overfilling?) my free time with an uber-organising session, getting school tweaked and household chores streamlined. I have created a new system for our jobs with a laminated page stuck up each day with the name and themes of each day.
Our "themes" are as follows:
Sunday: Gardening, building and outdoor work
Monday: Laundry and art
Tuesday: Office work (budget updates etc) and crafts
Wednesday: Errands and poetry
Thursday: Cleaning and Nature
Friday: Cooking and Music
Saturday: Rest and Worship
and BOY, am I ready for that by Friday night!
Why have I created our "theme days"? To break it down and release the pressure AND keep me focused. If I find a FANTASTIC craft that I want to do with the kids, I can schedule it on a coming Tuesday (this week, we're making foot and hand prints for Daddy to have on Father's Day!) rather than
(a) INTENDING to do it and never getting around too it, feeling all the maternal guilt involved in that equation OR
(b) sitting in the middle of COMPLETE chaos finger painting with the kids, having a rollicking good time and - no dinner, late bedtimes, no clean underwear and a paint covered obstacle course in the lounge room.
Big honest moment, the second one is me inside and out! Someone asked me once how I find time for schooling amidst all the housework and taking care of babies. I said, that's easy! It is finding time for HOUSEWORK amid all the schooling and babies I find hard!
On our "day of the week" posters I have a bunch of adhesive velcro dots. I also have a set of envelopes with "Jobs" in them, small cards (about two inches square I guess) with a job on each one. As we do the jobs, we take them off the poster and put them on the envelope. When someone asks if they can do a job for me, I can just look at the poster and give them one. At the end of the job, THEY get to take the card down. It also means I will not get to the end of the day completely forgetting some essential task, it helps me keep focused and on track - something I struggle with! It is also better than assigning a job list for each of the kids at this stage. With such young ones, we need more of an "all in together" system where I can assign jobs according to attention spans and energy, which can vary each day. They also need to work along side me most of the time.
I also have a laminated "ZONE" poster for each of the four "ZONES" in my house, together will a bunch of little jobs that need to be done in that particular area. For example, our current "ZONE" is the bedrooms. I remember that because it is up on my cupboard. I glanced at it this morning and remembered that I wanted to flip the mattresses this week which I did as I changed the sheets. Now, some people keep things like this in their head. I don't. I need visual aids people!
None of this is terribly new to us, most of it was in our household organiser but there are days when I don't open it, or days where I need my reminders to be more flexible. This is working for us at the moment anyway.
A big discovery today was I don't always have time for everything on my list! Here I was just assuming it was because I was lazy and got sidetracked all the time. I remember today. I DON'T remember sitting down. I DON'T remember getting sidetracked. I HAVEN'T gotten everything on the list done. But I did get the important things done and I know tomorrow is a new day. At the end of the day, if I prayed with my kids, if I sang with my kids, if I read to my kids (we read the second chapter of 101 Dalmatians!) and nobody is stuck to the floor or suffering from typhoid, all the rest is details!
Now this sounds horribly chaotic and complex, but it is a system that has been many years in the making and is continually evolving and being tweaked. If anyone has a specific question, I would be happy to try and answer it. Blogs and websites have given me insight into how others organise their time and homes and have helped me greatly.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Workboxes
I have been investigating and tweaking a workbox system for our family home school and so far it has been a real positive move. I will go into it more another time (when we are a little more "tweaked") but here are a few workbox links that I found helpful.
http://docs.google.com/View?docID=dwstdgn_447mphsmf8&revision=_latest
http://homeschoolcreations.blogspot.com/2009/08/workbox-system-sue-patrick.html
http://www.preschoolersandpeace.com/?p=963
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/LittleMen/688420/
http://kerugma.net/homeschool-index-cards-157.htm
http://myfamilyliferocks.blogspot.com/search/label/workboxes
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/LeslieNelsen/662628/
http://www.enduringprize.com/search/label/Workboxes
For me I wanted an organisational system that more or less runs itself through the days and fits around the various mini-crises that seem to crop up in our house. I also wanted something that would work for toddlers right through to high school if I needed it too. This may or may not be a fit, it is worth checking out though.
http://docs.google.com/View?docID=dwstdgn_447mphsmf8&revision=_latest
http://homeschoolcreations.blogspot.com/2009/08/workbox-system-sue-patrick.html
http://www.preschoolersandpeace.com/?p=963
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/LittleMen/688420/
http://kerugma.net/homeschool-index-cards-157.htm
http://myfamilyliferocks.blogspot.com/search/label/workboxes
http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/LeslieNelsen/662628/
http://www.enduringprize.com/search/label/Workboxes
For me I wanted an organisational system that more or less runs itself through the days and fits around the various mini-crises that seem to crop up in our house. I also wanted something that would work for toddlers right through to high school if I needed it too. This may or may not be a fit, it is worth checking out though.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Meet Patrice
You know, I've been blogging for a while now and I have gotten to know some of you pretty well. So I think it is time you got to meet some of the people in my head.
Meet Patrice.
Patrice looks perfect.
She is usually dressed in a twinset, complete with pearls. She has horn rimmed glasses that have certainly NEVER been knocked from her face in ANY context - let alone by an over tired, tantruming, child. Her hair is always perfectly coiffed in a french twist and her nails impeccably polished and manicured. Her face is usually set in a demure, unassuming smile with her ruby red lips taking a slightly - predatory look - if she is perturbed. Her speech flows in dulcet tones, becoming slightly clipped if she is strenuously making a point, but never loosing their honeyed sheen. She some how gives the impression of being quite tall although I am sure she is not a bit over three inches tall. She can't be, she lives in my head after all.
Her purpose, so she tells me, is to bring reason and practicality to my choices.
I have my doubts, but that is what she tells me.
She appeared yesterday.
The house was quiet, I was playing with the babies and drinking in every bit of them in a way I seldom can when every one is home.
"Ahem"
"Wha..Oh, it's you. Hello Patrice"
"Hello"
"Why are you here?"
"Is that any way to greet an old friend?"
"Cut it. Why are you here?"
"Well, I merely thought it an opportune time to point out that if you limited your number of children or at least SPACED them OUT at a more...conventional...gap, you would have these moments more often."
"Perhaps. If I stuck a tail on my bottom and started eating carrots, people may think I am a horse. What's your point?"
"WELL, if you're going to be CRUDE..."
"If I am crude, will you leave? Please?"
"Now I am only thinking of the CHILDREN. There have been several, well, incidents lately haven't there? And the state of the house....Let's just say we shan't be on the cover of Home Beautiful any time soon shall we?"
"You shan't, you are three inches tall and you live in my head."
"Be that as it may, I have a point here, do I not?"
"Yes, as painful as it is Patrice, you have a point."
"Could it be the case that you are simply bucking against the establishment for no good reason with your choices, throwing away convention and tossing reason with it. Tossing the baby with the bathwater.....so to speak?"
"No, I don't think so..."
Her demure, unassuming, smile glistens as she leans in and places a "Kind and Well Meaning" hand on my arm.
"I am simply thinking of the children dear. Don't you remember all those little activities you used to do with your Little Girl when she was Christopher's age? When is the last time he even got to play with play dough and paints? Don't you think you could be stunting his development with your lifestyle choices? His BEHAVIOUR would be so much better if you had more time to teach and guide him."
"Patrice...."
She leans in a little further and goes on.
"Just think what he's missing, they are all missing. They need their mother and you are torn in so many different directions, so often. And Jonathan, well, he needs his wife. It simply isn't fair for him to get the scraps of your affection now is it? After he works hard all day. And that precious baby girl you're holding, she deserves more..."
"Patrice, shut it."
"WELL"
"SHUT. IT. I have made my choices Patrice, and we all face the consequences of those, good and, yes, bad. And I will CONTINUE to make my choices, right or wrong. But whatever the choices, whatever the consequences, I will not be asking YOU for help. You don't give help Patrice, you give accusation. Even if it was a poor decision to have an unconventional number of children, at an unconventional spacing, they're here now. Yes, there have been incidents and yes, there are days that I don't feel like enough to go around, but why don't you help me SOLVE that rather than just pointing it out? I KNOW the issues, it is solutions I seek."
I flick my wrist to disengage her glistening nails
"and another thing, what about the GOOD things. Yes, I don't do activities with Christopher like I did with Erin, but Erin had me hovering over her like a neurotic mother hen every waking hour. Erin was Erin, Christopher is Christopher,it is just as impossible to turn back time and make me relax through Erin's toddlerhood as it is to find time to hover over Christopher. When did "different" become "lesser"? True, Anna doesn't have me every waking hour - but she has her mini-minions attending to her every squeak and she has me when she needs me. And I think that is more than enough."
Patrice smooths invisible wrinkles from her twin set as she stands.
"WELL, I was just trying to help..."
"No, Patrice, you weren't. You were here to accuse me. To sap the joy from this moment. You don't help, you accuse - and I am above your accusations. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go and remove that container of talcum powder from Christopher before....well, I need to clean up the talcum powder."
She sets her smile, which never really slipped the whole time we were talking and turns to leave.
"Patrice? How is it that you had your hand on my arm? You are three inches tall and you live in my head."
She says nothing with those glistening lips as she turns on her heel and walks away.
And I go to clean up the talcum powder with my snow white toddler.
Disclaimer: I realise that Patrice is only real inside my head. I have not forgotten to take any medications nor do I need any. And I realise that they only one who accuses me - is me.
Meet Patrice.
Patrice looks perfect.
She is usually dressed in a twinset, complete with pearls. She has horn rimmed glasses that have certainly NEVER been knocked from her face in ANY context - let alone by an over tired, tantruming, child. Her hair is always perfectly coiffed in a french twist and her nails impeccably polished and manicured. Her face is usually set in a demure, unassuming smile with her ruby red lips taking a slightly - predatory look - if she is perturbed. Her speech flows in dulcet tones, becoming slightly clipped if she is strenuously making a point, but never loosing their honeyed sheen. She some how gives the impression of being quite tall although I am sure she is not a bit over three inches tall. She can't be, she lives in my head after all.
Her purpose, so she tells me, is to bring reason and practicality to my choices.
I have my doubts, but that is what she tells me.
She appeared yesterday.
The house was quiet, I was playing with the babies and drinking in every bit of them in a way I seldom can when every one is home.
"Ahem"
"Wha..Oh, it's you. Hello Patrice"
"Hello"
"Why are you here?"
"Is that any way to greet an old friend?"
"Cut it. Why are you here?"
"Well, I merely thought it an opportune time to point out that if you limited your number of children or at least SPACED them OUT at a more...conventional...gap, you would have these moments more often."
"Perhaps. If I stuck a tail on my bottom and started eating carrots, people may think I am a horse. What's your point?"
"WELL, if you're going to be CRUDE..."
"If I am crude, will you leave? Please?"
"Now I am only thinking of the CHILDREN. There have been several, well, incidents lately haven't there? And the state of the house....Let's just say we shan't be on the cover of Home Beautiful any time soon shall we?"
"You shan't, you are three inches tall and you live in my head."
"Be that as it may, I have a point here, do I not?"
"Yes, as painful as it is Patrice, you have a point."
"Could it be the case that you are simply bucking against the establishment for no good reason with your choices, throwing away convention and tossing reason with it. Tossing the baby with the bathwater.....so to speak?"
"No, I don't think so..."
Her demure, unassuming, smile glistens as she leans in and places a "Kind and Well Meaning" hand on my arm.
"I am simply thinking of the children dear. Don't you remember all those little activities you used to do with your Little Girl when she was Christopher's age? When is the last time he even got to play with play dough and paints? Don't you think you could be stunting his development with your lifestyle choices? His BEHAVIOUR would be so much better if you had more time to teach and guide him."
"Patrice...."
She leans in a little further and goes on.
"Just think what he's missing, they are all missing. They need their mother and you are torn in so many different directions, so often. And Jonathan, well, he needs his wife. It simply isn't fair for him to get the scraps of your affection now is it? After he works hard all day. And that precious baby girl you're holding, she deserves more..."
"Patrice, shut it."
"WELL"
"SHUT. IT. I have made my choices Patrice, and we all face the consequences of those, good and, yes, bad. And I will CONTINUE to make my choices, right or wrong. But whatever the choices, whatever the consequences, I will not be asking YOU for help. You don't give help Patrice, you give accusation. Even if it was a poor decision to have an unconventional number of children, at an unconventional spacing, they're here now. Yes, there have been incidents and yes, there are days that I don't feel like enough to go around, but why don't you help me SOLVE that rather than just pointing it out? I KNOW the issues, it is solutions I seek."
I flick my wrist to disengage her glistening nails
"and another thing, what about the GOOD things. Yes, I don't do activities with Christopher like I did with Erin, but Erin had me hovering over her like a neurotic mother hen every waking hour. Erin was Erin, Christopher is Christopher,it is just as impossible to turn back time and make me relax through Erin's toddlerhood as it is to find time to hover over Christopher. When did "different" become "lesser"? True, Anna doesn't have me every waking hour - but she has her mini-minions attending to her every squeak and she has me when she needs me. And I think that is more than enough."
Patrice smooths invisible wrinkles from her twin set as she stands.
"WELL, I was just trying to help..."
"No, Patrice, you weren't. You were here to accuse me. To sap the joy from this moment. You don't help, you accuse - and I am above your accusations. Now if you will excuse me, I need to go and remove that container of talcum powder from Christopher before....well, I need to clean up the talcum powder."
She sets her smile, which never really slipped the whole time we were talking and turns to leave.
"Patrice? How is it that you had your hand on my arm? You are three inches tall and you live in my head."
She says nothing with those glistening lips as she turns on her heel and walks away.
And I go to clean up the talcum powder with my snow white toddler.
Disclaimer: I realise that Patrice is only real inside my head. I have not forgotten to take any medications nor do I need any. And I realise that they only one who accuses me - is me.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
How to make your living area sparkle-arkle!
In Five Simple Steps
Step 1: send older two children away as a special treat with Daddy to visit overnight with Nanny and Poppy.
Step 2: put two younger children to bed for their afternoon nap
Step 3: Eat a whole block of DARK chocolate with bits of raspberry through it while you surf the 'net and otherwise procrastinate. You may feel slightly queazy toward the end of the block, but persevere. Reason that Beloved doesn't LIKE raspberries so it would be downright CRUEL to leave it and eat it in front of him.
Step 4: Get a sugar buzz/caffene high LIKE NO OTHER YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED and clean everything in sight including the two younger children who have now woken up from their naps.
Step 5: By the time you have finished step 4 you will have fed and put the children in bed again as it will take a few hours, even totally buzzed. Wonder as you put your breastfed infant to bed why she is so chirpy and wide awake at bed time. Look around at a job well done and push aside the niggling temptation to go and get another block so you can get the kitchen/dining/bathroom area done too.
Step 1: send older two children away as a special treat with Daddy to visit overnight with Nanny and Poppy.
Step 2: put two younger children to bed for their afternoon nap
Step 3: Eat a whole block of DARK chocolate with bits of raspberry through it while you surf the 'net and otherwise procrastinate. You may feel slightly queazy toward the end of the block, but persevere. Reason that Beloved doesn't LIKE raspberries so it would be downright CRUEL to leave it and eat it in front of him.
Step 4: Get a sugar buzz/caffene high LIKE NO OTHER YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED and clean everything in sight including the two younger children who have now woken up from their naps.
Step 5: By the time you have finished step 4 you will have fed and put the children in bed again as it will take a few hours, even totally buzzed. Wonder as you put your breastfed infant to bed why she is so chirpy and wide awake at bed time. Look around at a job well done and push aside the niggling temptation to go and get another block so you can get the kitchen/dining/bathroom area done too.
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