Bittersweet

I got a room at the Ronald McDonald House today.

I will get more sleep and have a room where I can go to decompress or cry as needed.

And I have to walk away from my daughter to do it.

The choices that I am being served at the moment officially suck.

I am being carried and watched over. I feel God with me every day giving me strength and direction and love... but it doesn't make it easy.

I fantasise about having all my kids in the same room. Sleeping next to my husband. Picking up my baby and putting her to the breast. A day without a breast pump.

And in the midst of this I whisper thanks.

For the two weeks in Tasmania which just "happened" to be at the same time as my wedding anniversary and Christopher's fourth birthday.

For the rest.

For good nurses and doctors.

For comfort.

For beauty.

For an amazing husband.

For beautiful children.

For a million different things.

To say thank you for these things sometimes takes effort. Truly a sacrifice of praise from my heart. The things that suck and hurt and frustrate do not become less because of the beauty of my life but I refuse to allow that pain to eclipse the beauty.

Today I held my daughter's tiny hand as she leaned her cheek against me and fell asleep.

Things suck....but things are also amazing.