It's been a while for the ol' mythbuster monday, but I thought I would tackle another one just for fun.
Myth: When people say "You can't possibly school a child when you have so many little ones underfoot." they are talking about me.
Somehow, people thought it would be FINE for me to school 28 of someone ELSES children but four of mine at once? Forget it!
It often comes in gentler phrasing: "I don't understand how you can keep up with the housework, take care of your babies AND find time to school Erin!" etc. but essentially they are voicing doubt at my ability to school while mothering.
Yes, lots of little ones is hard work, keeping house is hard work and schooling Erin could be seen as JUST more work, but when did "work" become evil? What would their attitude be if I put my little ones in child care, dropped Erin of at before-school care and then went to work teaching a class full of other people's children, dealt with the staff issues, parent-teacher concerns, extra curricular activities etc. then picked up my own kids from care and went home? Few would even mention how hard I worked. Why is working at home, doing what I choose so different?
There is a tendency I notice among people to believe every gripe that comes out of my mouth but to pass off any profession of happiness or joy as me "putting on a brave face". The opposite is true. It is much safer to minimise my gripes, because it is quite likely that I am tired, hormonal or just had a bit of a bad day. Talking about the good stuff ALWAYS comes right from my soul.
What I do is hard work, but there is a difference between hard work and hard labour.
I am always tempted to point out that Erin reads better than most seven year olds, is ahead in maths, science, geography and pretty much every other subject. On my REALLY cranky days I am tempted to suggest that if their five year old can count by twos in Spanish, they can feel free to criticise the educational opportunities I am giving my children.
BUT, this is not the point, and besides, I doubt all my children will be academically gifted.
And now we come to the myth behind the myth.
The reasons we chose to homeschool are many and varied, but 98% of people who ask about/comment on our choice ARE NOT REALLY INTERESTED IN OUR REASONS OR OUR SUCCESS OR FAILURE.
Most people are interested in JUSTIFYING their choice NOT to homeschool.
Whatever anyone says, they will be determined to provide reasons why it simply couldn't work for them - and sometimes reasons why it simply shouldn't work for me.
Truth is, in all the reasons we chose to homeschool, "in order to make other people feel guilty about their choices" wasn't one of them.
So now I don't get defensive, I just laugh and say "Oh finding time to teach is EASY, time for housework, that's a challenge!"
Because I have busted the myth and I know that when people say things like that, they are talking about themselves.
Showing posts with label Monday Mythbuster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Monday Mythbuster. Show all posts
Monday, October 05, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Mythbuster Monday: advice = judgement
Advice.
Parenting advice.
UNSOLICITED parenting advice.
We all got it and hardly anyone wants it.
Why?
Because we see it as judgement on our parenting.
But for the most part, it's not.
Usually advice given is completely sincere, coming from the best heart possible and often completely, hilariously, unsuited to my situation.
Since I had Anna I have heard:
Just take a nap whenever the baby does won't you? (often a piece of advice given in mock stern tones)
Ehhem, let me just go and wet myself laughing. Not hard after 4 kids (ewww, tmi). What am I meant to do with all the others while I am napping? And my newborns have all slept an average of 14 hours a day. Even I don't sleep that much. A doze in the armchair will see me through until night time with a newborn. Compared to those last few weeks of pregnancy, I have OODLES of energy.
Just do one load of washing every day and you'll stay on top of it.
HA, hahahaha, HA. 6 PEOPLE + CLOTH NAPPIES + TOILET TRAINING + BED WETTING = more than one a day.
Just forget about housework, go and hold your babies.
That's fine. Until the Cholera and Dysentery start and the UN confiscate my house as a bio-weapon of mass destruction. There is a minimum and I am looking for any excuse to get out of that, don't give it to me PLEASE!
Just do a quick whip around and clean up after they're all in bed.
And I am meant to talk to my husband/sleep/read a book/sit down/blog when?
Make your hubby cook/clean/do odd jobs for you/rub your feet....
I make my kids do stuff all day and I want a lover not another child. Beloved is a big boy, he can make his own decisions. If he chooses to do those things, great, if not, honestly, it's less work for me to just do it myself.
Breast feeding is just natural and instinctive, just let yourself go with it and it will all fall into place.
Four kids, one still feeding and three fed 'till between 13 and 16 months and I only weaned because THEY wanted to. Yet, for me, it has never been "instinctive" in the first few weeks. Baby and I always need a bit of a learning curve to get going!
I could go on, but I won't.
It would be easy to snap back sassy replies, beat people down and put them back in their place. It can be affronting to get these snippets of advice out of no where. It is easy to believe that these people are judging me as inadequate as a mother. It is easy to believe the myth that everyone who offers advice thinks that I am failing.
BUT
I have found that, as with most things, it isn't actually about me.
When someone pops out a bit of advice it is out of a genuine desire to help at least 70% of the time. While the advice often doesn't fit me, it may have fit them or someone they know quite well, so they just want to pass on their wisdom! The other times, it is still usually about them, their own insecurities and desire to judge others.
Whatever the reason, when the advice comes, just take the meat and spit out the bones. Be secure enough in your own parenting to be able to relax and listen, every now and then you may learn something. If you don't, no biggie. If you have made someone feel heard and useful, you probably made their day! The art of the smile-and-nod is drastically underrated.
Just try not to wet yourself laughing when they tell you to nap when the baby does, it doesn't go down well.
Parenting advice.
UNSOLICITED parenting advice.
We all got it and hardly anyone wants it.
Why?
Because we see it as judgement on our parenting.
But for the most part, it's not.
Usually advice given is completely sincere, coming from the best heart possible and often completely, hilariously, unsuited to my situation.
Since I had Anna I have heard:
Just take a nap whenever the baby does won't you? (often a piece of advice given in mock stern tones)
Ehhem, let me just go and wet myself laughing. Not hard after 4 kids (ewww, tmi). What am I meant to do with all the others while I am napping? And my newborns have all slept an average of 14 hours a day. Even I don't sleep that much. A doze in the armchair will see me through until night time with a newborn. Compared to those last few weeks of pregnancy, I have OODLES of energy.
Just do one load of washing every day and you'll stay on top of it.
HA, hahahaha, HA. 6 PEOPLE + CLOTH NAPPIES + TOILET TRAINING + BED WETTING = more than one a day.
Just forget about housework, go and hold your babies.
That's fine. Until the Cholera and Dysentery start and the UN confiscate my house as a bio-weapon of mass destruction. There is a minimum and I am looking for any excuse to get out of that, don't give it to me PLEASE!
Just do a quick whip around and clean up after they're all in bed.
And I am meant to talk to my husband/sleep/read a book/sit down/blog when?
Make your hubby cook/clean/do odd jobs for you/rub your feet....
I make my kids do stuff all day and I want a lover not another child. Beloved is a big boy, he can make his own decisions. If he chooses to do those things, great, if not, honestly, it's less work for me to just do it myself.
Breast feeding is just natural and instinctive, just let yourself go with it and it will all fall into place.
Four kids, one still feeding and three fed 'till between 13 and 16 months and I only weaned because THEY wanted to. Yet, for me, it has never been "instinctive" in the first few weeks. Baby and I always need a bit of a learning curve to get going!
I could go on, but I won't.
It would be easy to snap back sassy replies, beat people down and put them back in their place. It can be affronting to get these snippets of advice out of no where. It is easy to believe that these people are judging me as inadequate as a mother. It is easy to believe the myth that everyone who offers advice thinks that I am failing.
BUT
I have found that, as with most things, it isn't actually about me.
When someone pops out a bit of advice it is out of a genuine desire to help at least 70% of the time. While the advice often doesn't fit me, it may have fit them or someone they know quite well, so they just want to pass on their wisdom! The other times, it is still usually about them, their own insecurities and desire to judge others.
Whatever the reason, when the advice comes, just take the meat and spit out the bones. Be secure enough in your own parenting to be able to relax and listen, every now and then you may learn something. If you don't, no biggie. If you have made someone feel heard and useful, you probably made their day! The art of the smile-and-nod is drastically underrated.
Just try not to wet yourself laughing when they tell you to nap when the baby does, it doesn't go down well.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Monday Mythbuster: Equality = the same treatment
I saw a photo that I took of Erin when she was Christopher's age. She was covered in paint and glitter during one of our regular craft sessions and looked completely adorable and like she was having SO much fun.
Today, I packed up the paint before I got Christopher up from his nap.
When it was just Erin and I, it was natural to fill our somewhat empty days with sticking things together, painting them and pouring glitter all over them! I look back on those times fondly. I don't know if it did anything for her fine motor skills or not, but we had a ball.
Now, our days are not so empty and guiding a 19 month old through the "mess risks" inherant in such activities is just beyond me. Does this mean Christopher is deprived? NO He has two older siblings to play with almost constantly, more toys because he has all Erin AND Billy's cast offs (and the ones they still use but aren't using at that moment), goes on more walks and has a more kid friendly back yard than Erin did at his age. He stood on a chair beside me "helping" wash the dishes for an hour today and just hopped down from sitting on my lap, interrupting my 'puter time with fifty kisses in a row (I didn't mind!). In fact his childhood is TOTALLY different to Erin's, but no less rich.
Different does not mean "More" or "Less", it just means different.
If one child goes out for a treat or gets a present, it does not mean that they all must get their turn right there and then. It is just not practical to do things that way. Some days one gets more (attention, treats, stories etc.) other days another will. It all evens out over time.
To try and make sure they all have the same would be like taking them out for ice cream and, because one likes rocky road, another chocolate, and the other butterscotch, making them all have vanilla.
Each child has a different childhood because each child is different.
Today, I packed up the paint before I got Christopher up from his nap.
When it was just Erin and I, it was natural to fill our somewhat empty days with sticking things together, painting them and pouring glitter all over them! I look back on those times fondly. I don't know if it did anything for her fine motor skills or not, but we had a ball.
Now, our days are not so empty and guiding a 19 month old through the "mess risks" inherant in such activities is just beyond me. Does this mean Christopher is deprived? NO He has two older siblings to play with almost constantly, more toys because he has all Erin AND Billy's cast offs (and the ones they still use but aren't using at that moment), goes on more walks and has a more kid friendly back yard than Erin did at his age. He stood on a chair beside me "helping" wash the dishes for an hour today and just hopped down from sitting on my lap, interrupting my 'puter time with fifty kisses in a row (I didn't mind!). In fact his childhood is TOTALLY different to Erin's, but no less rich.
Different does not mean "More" or "Less", it just means different.
If one child goes out for a treat or gets a present, it does not mean that they all must get their turn right there and then. It is just not practical to do things that way. Some days one gets more (attention, treats, stories etc.) other days another will. It all evens out over time.
To try and make sure they all have the same would be like taking them out for ice cream and, because one likes rocky road, another chocolate, and the other butterscotch, making them all have vanilla.
Each child has a different childhood because each child is different.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Monday mythbuster: somebody out there knows what they're talking about
It's been a while so I thought we may bust a few myths again! If you bust a myth on your own blog, feel free to link in my comments so I can have a read :)
It is like being thrown in the deep end, this parenting, this LIFE! So we start looking around for someone who knows what they are talking about.
Enter the self help books, the web sites, Oprah!
So many, trawling around for some clue of how to manage, come across someone who seems to have a bit of a clue and latch onto them like a drowning man to a lifesaver. This person seems to have the answer!! I will do what they tell me, follow their rules, read all their books and quote them endlessly to family, friends, and strangers on the street.
This becomes a problem when they start substituting the books, words and ideas of another for their own common sense. If they stop having the courage to make their own decisions and mistakes, and start making someone elses'.
Now I could probably get a masters in self-help and parenting books and websites. And I have found many genuinely useful insights in my reading. The danger is when we start letting the Ezzos, Pearls, Quiverfull Movement, that nice blog we set as our home page, do the thinking for us.
Because the truth is, each one of those people are learning and changing every day. All are slowly, in His grace, morphing into what He intended them to be. And it still hasn't finished. Nor will it finish until He comes again.
By all means, read, research and weigh the ideas of all the 'experts', but read the Bible more and pray more. Test each thing against the True Authority of the Word, because none of these experts are finished works yet! Use the common sense God gave you. If something isn't working for your family, stop and pray about it before grabbing the pamphlet to re-read the twelve step plan to obedient children!
So there you have it, nobody knows completely what they are talking about. So go to the one True Source.
But don't take my word for it, I may not know what I'm talking about!
It is like being thrown in the deep end, this parenting, this LIFE! So we start looking around for someone who knows what they are talking about.
Enter the self help books, the web sites, Oprah!
So many, trawling around for some clue of how to manage, come across someone who seems to have a bit of a clue and latch onto them like a drowning man to a lifesaver. This person seems to have the answer!! I will do what they tell me, follow their rules, read all their books and quote them endlessly to family, friends, and strangers on the street.
This becomes a problem when they start substituting the books, words and ideas of another for their own common sense. If they stop having the courage to make their own decisions and mistakes, and start making someone elses'.
Now I could probably get a masters in self-help and parenting books and websites. And I have found many genuinely useful insights in my reading. The danger is when we start letting the Ezzos, Pearls, Quiverfull Movement, that nice blog we set as our home page, do the thinking for us.
Because the truth is, each one of those people are learning and changing every day. All are slowly, in His grace, morphing into what He intended them to be. And it still hasn't finished. Nor will it finish until He comes again.
By all means, read, research and weigh the ideas of all the 'experts', but read the Bible more and pray more. Test each thing against the True Authority of the Word, because none of these experts are finished works yet! Use the common sense God gave you. If something isn't working for your family, stop and pray about it before grabbing the pamphlet to re-read the twelve step plan to obedient children!
So there you have it, nobody knows completely what they are talking about. So go to the one True Source.
But don't take my word for it, I may not know what I'm talking about!
Monday, February 02, 2009
multiple myths
To the concerned community member, well meaning family member, worried church member, stranger on the street,
Let me just bust a few myths for you, it being mythbuster Monday an' all.
I know how it happens.
My uterus is not going to fall out if I have another baby in the next 18 months.
I am (relatively) fit, healthy and young with straightforward, insanely easy, pregnancies and deliveries. If you have any ACTUAL basis for these mythological "things" that can go wrong having "so many" kids "too close", I would be interested to hear it. Otherwise, your concern, while appreciated, is completely without basis and just a little annoying.
I know the birth control options. In fact, I have thoroughly researched the various immoral, messy, inconvenient, unreliable and downright annoying options there are out there AND their side effects. The choice of what we use is none of anyone's business except my husband, mine and God's. Thank you for your interest.
No, I don't believe non-abortificant means of birth control are sin. No, I'm not judging you for having less children than I do. You'd be surprised how little attention I pay to those around me, I really am quite self-involved!
Yes, I really did mean to fall pregnant last time.
I really do like the idea of more kids.
I kinda wasn't joking when I said 14 is a really good number.
No really, think about it, it is the perfect number (seven) times TWO, isn't that cool?
Plus, it is possible that I'm a TEENY bit competitive and the idea of having the most kids of anyone we know kinda appeals to me. The same way I was stoked when Christopher was over ten pound. It is the same part of me that wants to win the "biggest pumpkin" comp at the local agricultural show.
I would be just as happy and content if Beloved decided we were done having kids now, a tiny bit disappointed for a while, but not devastated (as Beloved put it "Honey, you'd be disappointed if we had twelve and decided to stop then" - well, 14 IS a nice number! Two for each day of the week!)
Hang on, I got sidetracked, where was I? Myths.
I am not living off your taxes by having so many kids. We pay more in tax than we receive in benefits. It is likely my kid's taxes will help support your retirement. You're welcome!
No, my body isn't 'shot to pieces'. Beloved finds my stretch marks kinda sexy, given we made them together! Thank you for your elegantly put enquiries about my health and fitness, I'm not particularly interested in discussing my pelvic floor with you right now. Ever, in fact.
Being that my mother is a Psych Nurse and has worked in the mental health industry in some form or other most of my life, I have some grasp of the definition of "insane". My choices in terms of number of offspring or the spacing thereof doesn't tip the balance either way.
So there ya go,
another Mythbuster Monday bought to you by Jess!
Let me just bust a few myths for you, it being mythbuster Monday an' all.
I know how it happens.
My uterus is not going to fall out if I have another baby in the next 18 months.
I am (relatively) fit, healthy and young with straightforward, insanely easy, pregnancies and deliveries. If you have any ACTUAL basis for these mythological "things" that can go wrong having "so many" kids "too close", I would be interested to hear it. Otherwise, your concern, while appreciated, is completely without basis and just a little annoying.
I know the birth control options. In fact, I have thoroughly researched the various immoral, messy, inconvenient, unreliable and downright annoying options there are out there AND their side effects. The choice of what we use is none of anyone's business except my husband, mine and God's. Thank you for your interest.
No, I don't believe non-abortificant means of birth control are sin. No, I'm not judging you for having less children than I do. You'd be surprised how little attention I pay to those around me, I really am quite self-involved!
Yes, I really did mean to fall pregnant last time.
I really do like the idea of more kids.
I kinda wasn't joking when I said 14 is a really good number.
No really, think about it, it is the perfect number (seven) times TWO, isn't that cool?
Plus, it is possible that I'm a TEENY bit competitive and the idea of having the most kids of anyone we know kinda appeals to me. The same way I was stoked when Christopher was over ten pound. It is the same part of me that wants to win the "biggest pumpkin" comp at the local agricultural show.
I would be just as happy and content if Beloved decided we were done having kids now, a tiny bit disappointed for a while, but not devastated (as Beloved put it "Honey, you'd be disappointed if we had twelve and decided to stop then" - well, 14 IS a nice number! Two for each day of the week!)
Hang on, I got sidetracked, where was I? Myths.
I am not living off your taxes by having so many kids. We pay more in tax than we receive in benefits. It is likely my kid's taxes will help support your retirement. You're welcome!
No, my body isn't 'shot to pieces'. Beloved finds my stretch marks kinda sexy, given we made them together! Thank you for your elegantly put enquiries about my health and fitness, I'm not particularly interested in discussing my pelvic floor with you right now. Ever, in fact.
Being that my mother is a Psych Nurse and has worked in the mental health industry in some form or other most of my life, I have some grasp of the definition of "insane". My choices in terms of number of offspring or the spacing thereof doesn't tip the balance either way.
So there ya go,
another Mythbuster Monday bought to you by Jess!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Monday Mythbuster: DIY makes you a better mother/wife/person
It was a big thing for me to get a cleaner. Huge in fact. It meant admitting to myself and those around me that I CAN'T keep up with it all like I would like to. In some ways it was an admission that I fail at Super Mum.
I look back over the past fortnight and the number of times I have received help from others. Friends helping out with washing etc. when the boys were sick, Mum taking over so many chores while she is here, my wonderful cleaner tackling the plaster dust that spread so insidiously through the house. If I hadn't had the help, we would have muddled through sure, but life was so much easier with the help.
Inside of me there is still the stubborn two year old that declares defiantly "I can do it MYSELF!". There is the derisive school-marm that sniffs and reminds me that once women my age had 9+ kids, no electricity, no car, no other fancy gadgets and THEY managed! There is the self-conscious shrinking violet who wonders what everyone will think of me if I can't manage perfectly myself. There is the prosecutor who accuses me of cheating my family by having "so many children, so close together when CLEARLY I can't cope!".
It gets very loud in my head sometimes.
Then when I silence all these voices, I realise there is nobody out side of me saying these things, nobody whose opinions really matter anyway! Rather than railing against receiving help, perhaps I simply need to humble myself and accept it. Perhaps I need to recognise this blessing from God and use what He has given me to HIS glory. Perhaps I need to use the 'free time' it gives me to minister more to my family, perhaps I need to minister to the people who minister to me, perhaps I need to stop listening to these myths and embrace HIS truth!
I look back over the past fortnight and the number of times I have received help from others. Friends helping out with washing etc. when the boys were sick, Mum taking over so many chores while she is here, my wonderful cleaner tackling the plaster dust that spread so insidiously through the house. If I hadn't had the help, we would have muddled through sure, but life was so much easier with the help.
Inside of me there is still the stubborn two year old that declares defiantly "I can do it MYSELF!". There is the derisive school-marm that sniffs and reminds me that once women my age had 9+ kids, no electricity, no car, no other fancy gadgets and THEY managed! There is the self-conscious shrinking violet who wonders what everyone will think of me if I can't manage perfectly myself. There is the prosecutor who accuses me of cheating my family by having "so many children, so close together when CLEARLY I can't cope!".
It gets very loud in my head sometimes.
Then when I silence all these voices, I realise there is nobody out side of me saying these things, nobody whose opinions really matter anyway! Rather than railing against receiving help, perhaps I simply need to humble myself and accept it. Perhaps I need to recognise this blessing from God and use what He has given me to HIS glory. Perhaps I need to use the 'free time' it gives me to minister more to my family, perhaps I need to minister to the people who minister to me, perhaps I need to stop listening to these myths and embrace HIS truth!
Monday, January 05, 2009
Monday Mythbusters
All Pregnant women enjoy comments like:
WOW! You're HUGE!
Are you SURE it's not twins?
You know how that happens, right?
Gosh, you look about ready to pop!
Haven't you had that baby yet?
You look awfully uncomfortable.
Can I just say not ALL pregnant women enjoy these comments. Especially huge, hot, uncomfortable or overdue ones! Just letting you know in advance ;)
WOW! You're HUGE!
Are you SURE it's not twins?
You know how that happens, right?
Gosh, you look about ready to pop!
Haven't you had that baby yet?
You look awfully uncomfortable.
Can I just say not ALL pregnant women enjoy these comments. Especially huge, hot, uncomfortable or overdue ones! Just letting you know in advance ;)
Monday, December 15, 2008
Monday Mythbuster: Perfection
I chose to have all these children so I have to be on top of things 100% of the time or everyone will tell me I shouldn't have so many children and I will feel hugely guilty and my children will grow up scarred for life and.......well, you get the picture.
Another myth we (or at least I) tell ourselves. The thing is, it is a myth. Yes, there are some people who go for the "well, if you can't cope perhaps you shouldn't have so many children" line, but the vast majority don't. In fact, I have known quite a few people who, when I admitted I was struggling, breathed a sigh of relief because I looked a bit more human! Cultivating the myth that we are 100% OK all the time places additional pressure on others to live up to an impossible standard. I DON'T agree with wallowing in our imperfections and taking part in the "Mummy Wars" (you know, when you sit by the playground watching the kids and someone says "Well I only got 3 hours sleep last night" then another pipes up "you are doing better than me, I got 1 hour if I'm lucky" and so on until everyone is running on negative hours sleep with obnoxious children and unhelpful husbands!!) But I do believe in being honest, asking for help or advice and doing the best we can with what we have.
As for the children growing up scarred, well, they have to have SOMETHING to talk about in therapy don't they? :P If they don't have your failings to talk about, well, they will just have to talk about the impossible standards you set!
Another myth we (or at least I) tell ourselves. The thing is, it is a myth. Yes, there are some people who go for the "well, if you can't cope perhaps you shouldn't have so many children" line, but the vast majority don't. In fact, I have known quite a few people who, when I admitted I was struggling, breathed a sigh of relief because I looked a bit more human! Cultivating the myth that we are 100% OK all the time places additional pressure on others to live up to an impossible standard. I DON'T agree with wallowing in our imperfections and taking part in the "Mummy Wars" (you know, when you sit by the playground watching the kids and someone says "Well I only got 3 hours sleep last night" then another pipes up "you are doing better than me, I got 1 hour if I'm lucky" and so on until everyone is running on negative hours sleep with obnoxious children and unhelpful husbands!!) But I do believe in being honest, asking for help or advice and doing the best we can with what we have.
As for the children growing up scarred, well, they have to have SOMETHING to talk about in therapy don't they? :P If they don't have your failings to talk about, well, they will just have to talk about the impossible standards you set!
Monday, December 08, 2008
Like minded doesn't mean looks like
Like minded people will have lifestyles just like mine.
This is a myth I have fallen for in the past!
I don't personally know many people who look like me. I'm not talking physically, I am talking in terms of lifestyle and beliefs. I am a Seventh-Day Adventist Christian but I am not a vegetarian and I enjoy the occasional glass of wine. I believe my children are a gift from God and have not used birth control for over four years now, but I do not condemn those who do use birth control and I do support AIDS awareness campaigns that promote condom use. I believe in wifely submission in accordance with the Bible, but I also believe that part of being a help meet is giving my husband access to an educated opinion and stimulating conversation where we can respectfully and lovingly disagree. I am a strong believer in homeschooling and my own methods are an eclectic style using the ideas of Charlotte Mason, Maria Montessori, Classical education and my own training but I am also a strong supporter of Christian schools. My husband is the head of our home and our leader, but does not feel the need to 'display' his leadership to the world preferring instead to lead us gently, kindly, privately and quietly. I believe in modeling my life on Proverbs 31, but I have a cleaner (hey, she DID have handmaidens!!). I do not feel that my life is a compromise or a half-baked mix of doctrine, for me it is a passionate implementation of the truth I believe.
So there aren't many families who look like ours!
I used to lament the lack of "Titus 2" women out there who I could learn from and gripe about the lack of "like minded" people. Then I met a family who looked a bit like ours! I was thrilled and (I thought) so were they, but as we got to know each other more and more, they got busier and busier. Soon it became apparent that the only time they had to talk to us is when they felt "impressed" to criticise our doctrine or lifestyle. Soon even that stopped. So it turned out that the people who I had thought were like minded, didn't like us!!
Initially, I was devastated. But then I looked around with new eyes. I realised my Mother-in-law may not have home schooled her tribe, but she raised her boys with love and she grew a vegie patch, milked a cow and raised chickens and beef not because of any trendy "homesteading" movement, but because it was the best and cheapest way to keep their tummies full!! If I couldn't learn from her, who could I learn from? My own Mum had "only" three kids and I have as intimate knowledge of her mistakes as MY children have of MINE! But I have gleaned more than she or I will ever realise from her hard-won wisdom. Our chats on the phone and visits have become very precious to me. The lady at church who makes the odd crack about her husband being her "other child" (something that REALLY grates on me) turned out to have a wealth of knowledge and experience that I had simply overlooked, as well as a deep love and respect for her husband. The people I worship with on a weekly basis may not have a lifestyle that reflects mine and may differ on small "doctrinal" issues, but most of them have been loving the Lord and growing in His grace for longer than I have been alive. I am humbled to think about that.
So I learned I need to stop being a snob.
It is easy to believe, if you spend a bit of time in the blog-sphere, that there ARE people out there exactly like you. The thing is, you only see a part of a person online. If you saw all of them I am positive you would find points of difference. This is not to talk down the Internet, I love the Internet and have found much to encourage and challenge my own walk on here. But don't turn away from those around you. Instead "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." Phil. 2:3. I think you will find when you spend time getting to know those around you, listening instead of talking, serving rather than demanding to be served, you will gain access to a wealth of knowledge and wisdom you didn't even know was there. And minds that you thought were nothing like yours, will turn out to have more in common than you thought.
This is a myth I have fallen for in the past!
I don't personally know many people who look like me. I'm not talking physically, I am talking in terms of lifestyle and beliefs. I am a Seventh-Day Adventist Christian but I am not a vegetarian and I enjoy the occasional glass of wine. I believe my children are a gift from God and have not used birth control for over four years now, but I do not condemn those who do use birth control and I do support AIDS awareness campaigns that promote condom use. I believe in wifely submission in accordance with the Bible, but I also believe that part of being a help meet is giving my husband access to an educated opinion and stimulating conversation where we can respectfully and lovingly disagree. I am a strong believer in homeschooling and my own methods are an eclectic style using the ideas of Charlotte Mason, Maria Montessori, Classical education and my own training but I am also a strong supporter of Christian schools. My husband is the head of our home and our leader, but does not feel the need to 'display' his leadership to the world preferring instead to lead us gently, kindly, privately and quietly. I believe in modeling my life on Proverbs 31, but I have a cleaner (hey, she DID have handmaidens!!). I do not feel that my life is a compromise or a half-baked mix of doctrine, for me it is a passionate implementation of the truth I believe.
So there aren't many families who look like ours!
I used to lament the lack of "Titus 2" women out there who I could learn from and gripe about the lack of "like minded" people. Then I met a family who looked a bit like ours! I was thrilled and (I thought) so were they, but as we got to know each other more and more, they got busier and busier. Soon it became apparent that the only time they had to talk to us is when they felt "impressed" to criticise our doctrine or lifestyle. Soon even that stopped. So it turned out that the people who I had thought were like minded, didn't like us!!
Initially, I was devastated. But then I looked around with new eyes. I realised my Mother-in-law may not have home schooled her tribe, but she raised her boys with love and she grew a vegie patch, milked a cow and raised chickens and beef not because of any trendy "homesteading" movement, but because it was the best and cheapest way to keep their tummies full!! If I couldn't learn from her, who could I learn from? My own Mum had "only" three kids and I have as intimate knowledge of her mistakes as MY children have of MINE! But I have gleaned more than she or I will ever realise from her hard-won wisdom. Our chats on the phone and visits have become very precious to me. The lady at church who makes the odd crack about her husband being her "other child" (something that REALLY grates on me) turned out to have a wealth of knowledge and experience that I had simply overlooked, as well as a deep love and respect for her husband. The people I worship with on a weekly basis may not have a lifestyle that reflects mine and may differ on small "doctrinal" issues, but most of them have been loving the Lord and growing in His grace for longer than I have been alive. I am humbled to think about that.
So I learned I need to stop being a snob.
It is easy to believe, if you spend a bit of time in the blog-sphere, that there ARE people out there exactly like you. The thing is, you only see a part of a person online. If you saw all of them I am positive you would find points of difference. This is not to talk down the Internet, I love the Internet and have found much to encourage and challenge my own walk on here. But don't turn away from those around you. Instead "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." Phil. 2:3. I think you will find when you spend time getting to know those around you, listening instead of talking, serving rather than demanding to be served, you will gain access to a wealth of knowledge and wisdom you didn't even know was there. And minds that you thought were nothing like yours, will turn out to have more in common than you thought.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Monday Mythbusters: short, not stupid
Just to step away from the whole family and motherhood myth busting, I just wanted to take a moment to say:
Children are short, not stupid!!
It is one of the greatest myths of today, that children are stupid. They get spoken to as if the lack the ability to understand the most simple words. People use the silliest voices and say the silliest things. Children are not expected to know or retain any useful information. It drives me (and often them) barmy! *warning, I may rant a little today!*
Now, my kids are bright, there is no arguing that. But they are on the brighter end of perfectly normal. People are astonished when I speak to Billy in a normal voice and using normal language and he understands and responds. He is 2 1/2 for crying out loud! Of course he can understand me! Christopher understands most things! When Christopher has finished his meal I often ask him "Would you like some more food?". More often than not he nods, sometimes he points to the exact food he wants. I respond with: "Yes please Mummy." and nod back to him to let him know that I understand and then give him what he wants (if appropriate). We have worked out this communication simply by talking together. Sometimes he shakes his head if he is full (that is rare though!) and once when I asked "Would you like to go to bed then?" he responded with a nod, got put to bed and went right to sleep. Because I take the time to talk to him and I watch carefully for his response, we can communicate. I know he knows what he wants, my role is simply to help him learn to communicate that want effectively!
We have always spoken directly to the kids in normal voices doing our best to help them understand because that is simply the way we do things. As a consequence, they learn to communicate quite effectively at a fairly young age. This cuts down amazingly on tantrums (doesn't get rid of them entirely unfortunately!) and simply taking the time to explain things to them has meant they have a much better handle on their world. Even when they are not quite savvy with vocabulary, the definitely understand tone. That is why saying "come here, come to Mummy" in a sugary, sickly sweet voice to a small child running in the other direction rarely works! The words may say "come here" but the tone says "I don't expect you to obey and I shan't punish you if you don't!". The same words said in a kind but business-like tone (especially if usually backed up with consequences) is much more likely to get results.
Often when people chat to me on the street they talk over the kid's heads about them. It is well intentioned, but really, why not talk to them? I often redirect the questions to the kids. For example when someone asks how old the kids are, I ask Erin. Children are rarely included in conversations and people are surprised when they reach their teen years with no conversation skills. Where do you expect them to learn conversation skills? At school with groups of other kids who have never been spoken to?
The thing that really gets me is when people have decidedly ADULT conversations over the top of kid's heads thinking that they don't understand. I am talking about discussing intimate details of their sex life etc. They may not be able to understand the exact details, but the certainly retain enough. Some of the conversations I overheard between two and three year olds when I worked as a child carer were, shall we say, enlightening. Again, they are short, not stupid or deaf.
Also, the 'cute' things they say are often their way of trying to work out their world. To adopt their lisps or mispronunciations into your 'family dialect' and try and get him or her to say it again for relatives, reinforces what was probably an honest mistake. When a child asks for "Wa-wa", rather than starting to call all water "wa-wa", how about responding with "OK, here's a drink of water"? Accepting their approximations but not reinforcing them is a positive way to help them get on with the business of learning. Imagine you went to a different country and you were learning a different language. Imagine your guides found your mispronunciations cute and started using them too. Imagine your frustrations when you tried to communicate with people other than your guides who simply could not understand your garbled speech. Now do you understand why three year olds throw tantrums?!
Now we do use silly voices and made up words when playing around in our family. In fact, we have done since before the kids were born! For example, we sometimes call sneezes "sneezles". Our kids know they are called sneezes by most people and can shift easily between the two words. We use silly voices when playing or reading stories, but easily switch into our normal voice when we aren't doing those things. The point is, we don't speak to our kids exclusively with silly voices and made up words. I once knew a family with seven kids who spoke to the younger four (who they referred to as 'the babies') almost exclusively with silly voices and made up words. Even the five year old was almost impossible for people outside the family to understand, not because he was stupid but because he never had opportunity to learn any different. He learned that talking in a silly voice got him attention and often made his family think he was cute therefore made them more likely to give him what he wanted. Why would he speak properly? Silly, "cute" speech was a far more effective way of getting what he wanted.
So please don't fall for the myth that kids are stupid, it does nobody any favours!
Children are short, not stupid!!
It is one of the greatest myths of today, that children are stupid. They get spoken to as if the lack the ability to understand the most simple words. People use the silliest voices and say the silliest things. Children are not expected to know or retain any useful information. It drives me (and often them) barmy! *warning, I may rant a little today!*
Now, my kids are bright, there is no arguing that. But they are on the brighter end of perfectly normal. People are astonished when I speak to Billy in a normal voice and using normal language and he understands and responds. He is 2 1/2 for crying out loud! Of course he can understand me! Christopher understands most things! When Christopher has finished his meal I often ask him "Would you like some more food?". More often than not he nods, sometimes he points to the exact food he wants. I respond with: "Yes please Mummy." and nod back to him to let him know that I understand and then give him what he wants (if appropriate). We have worked out this communication simply by talking together. Sometimes he shakes his head if he is full (that is rare though!) and once when I asked "Would you like to go to bed then?" he responded with a nod, got put to bed and went right to sleep. Because I take the time to talk to him and I watch carefully for his response, we can communicate. I know he knows what he wants, my role is simply to help him learn to communicate that want effectively!
We have always spoken directly to the kids in normal voices doing our best to help them understand because that is simply the way we do things. As a consequence, they learn to communicate quite effectively at a fairly young age. This cuts down amazingly on tantrums (doesn't get rid of them entirely unfortunately!) and simply taking the time to explain things to them has meant they have a much better handle on their world. Even when they are not quite savvy with vocabulary, the definitely understand tone. That is why saying "come here, come to Mummy" in a sugary, sickly sweet voice to a small child running in the other direction rarely works! The words may say "come here" but the tone says "I don't expect you to obey and I shan't punish you if you don't!". The same words said in a kind but business-like tone (especially if usually backed up with consequences) is much more likely to get results.
Often when people chat to me on the street they talk over the kid's heads about them. It is well intentioned, but really, why not talk to them? I often redirect the questions to the kids. For example when someone asks how old the kids are, I ask Erin. Children are rarely included in conversations and people are surprised when they reach their teen years with no conversation skills. Where do you expect them to learn conversation skills? At school with groups of other kids who have never been spoken to?
The thing that really gets me is when people have decidedly ADULT conversations over the top of kid's heads thinking that they don't understand. I am talking about discussing intimate details of their sex life etc. They may not be able to understand the exact details, but the certainly retain enough. Some of the conversations I overheard between two and three year olds when I worked as a child carer were, shall we say, enlightening. Again, they are short, not stupid or deaf.
Also, the 'cute' things they say are often their way of trying to work out their world. To adopt their lisps or mispronunciations into your 'family dialect' and try and get him or her to say it again for relatives, reinforces what was probably an honest mistake. When a child asks for "Wa-wa", rather than starting to call all water "wa-wa", how about responding with "OK, here's a drink of water"? Accepting their approximations but not reinforcing them is a positive way to help them get on with the business of learning. Imagine you went to a different country and you were learning a different language. Imagine your guides found your mispronunciations cute and started using them too. Imagine your frustrations when you tried to communicate with people other than your guides who simply could not understand your garbled speech. Now do you understand why three year olds throw tantrums?!
Now we do use silly voices and made up words when playing around in our family. In fact, we have done since before the kids were born! For example, we sometimes call sneezes "sneezles". Our kids know they are called sneezes by most people and can shift easily between the two words. We use silly voices when playing or reading stories, but easily switch into our normal voice when we aren't doing those things. The point is, we don't speak to our kids exclusively with silly voices and made up words. I once knew a family with seven kids who spoke to the younger four (who they referred to as 'the babies') almost exclusively with silly voices and made up words. Even the five year old was almost impossible for people outside the family to understand, not because he was stupid but because he never had opportunity to learn any different. He learned that talking in a silly voice got him attention and often made his family think he was cute therefore made them more likely to give him what he wanted. Why would he speak properly? Silly, "cute" speech was a far more effective way of getting what he wanted.
So please don't fall for the myth that kids are stupid, it does nobody any favours!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday Mythbusters: individual attention
Children in large families do not get the individual attention they need.
This is one of the major objections people seem to have against larger families or families with children with smaller age gaps. I was once chided on an online forum for falling pregnant before Billy's first birthday, because the other person felt that a child's first year of life should be all about them and to fall pregnant deliberately was to short change them. To tell the truth, this is also an area where most mothers I know (even mothers of single children!) doubt themselves. The question we always seem to ask ourselves is "Do I have enough of me to go around?"
If we are going to talk about individual attention, I feel it is important to point out that an only child is not guaranteed enough individual attention either. When I worked as a child carer, I cared for a little boy who had been in full time child care since 6 weeks of age. By full time child care I mean from 7am to 6pm, five days a week. He also spent weekends with his grandparents, to give his Mum a break. The reason for his Mum's heavy work load? She was doing a doctorate in Child Psychology! I am not sure exactly how much "enough" individual attention is, but I do know that he did not get it. While it is true that there are children in large families who do not receive enough individual attention, I object to the idea that this is a inevitable part of being in a large family.
My own children rarely spend a whole day one on one with an adult - but our days are full of touch points. These are points in the day where, for a few moments, they have the undivided attention of either Beloved or myself. There are "Scheduled" touch points such as their story times, bed times, various school or chore times etc. and "unscheduled" touch points. Like when I am sitting resting and one of them folds them self into my lap for a chat or when all of the others are magically absorbed in their own tasks or games or asleep and I fall into conversation or cuddles completely unexpectedly. These moments are rarely more than 20 minutes long - often less than ten minutes - sometimes less than a minute, but scattered throughout the day they add up. I truly believe that this adds up to enough.
Of course, if I did have less children they would each get more attention. If I hadn't had Christopher so soon after I had Billy, it is altogether possible that Billy would not have learned to set the breakfast table unaided as young as he has - simply because I would have had time to do it for him! As it was, he took the initiative to start teaching himself and he sets it almost every morning simply because he wants to. The first words out of his mouth as he walks out into the kitchen in the morning are "Can I get breakfast Mummy?". Perhaps Erin wouldn't have learned to clean up after herself as much as she has because it would have been easier for me to do it for her. But is it a bad thing that they have learned to work independently? I don't think so! They see themselves as contributing in a very real sense to the family, they have refined their skills and constantly use them and build on them, they have a sense of real accomplishment because they actually do achieve something real! I probably would have taken over those tasks because they are "too little" if I hadn't been otherwise occupied.
How much is enough? Enough for what? I want my children to have enough individual attention to know they are loved and that they are listened to. I see the home and myself as their Launch Pad. From here they can fly out to the stars, call back if there is a problem ("Huston, we have a problem!") and come back home to rest and get repairs. Their flight, however, is their own. I do not believe that enmeshing myself in their lives and being an inextricable part of every part of their day does my child any favours. I do believe that I need to put their needs as priority in my day and be available when they need me, not hover over their every move.
Another point that needs to be made is while my children do not have me on tap, they are rarely alone. On Saturday as Beloved and I sat reading in our arm chairs and Billy was asleep, Erin and Christopher played together on the lounge room mat. Erin wasn't a parental substitute, she was being a big sister! It is rare that any of the children are alone unless they want to be and their relationships with their siblings provide something that cannot be provided any other way. While they may miss out on some of the attention that they would have otherwise have gotten from me, this is balanced out by the many positives of their sibling relationships.
While a large family isn't necessarily a wonderful, functioning, supportive family, large families have produced some of the most successful people in the world - they have also produced some of the happiest and most content people I know. I fully believe they got all they needed in terms of attention, in order to achieve what they needed to. To presume that children from a large family are suffering emotional and/or physical neglect purely because of the numbers is simply ignorant.
As I have spent time thinking about this series of myth busters, I have come to the conclusion that no matter what you do there will be someone who disagrees. So:
This is one of the major objections people seem to have against larger families or families with children with smaller age gaps. I was once chided on an online forum for falling pregnant before Billy's first birthday, because the other person felt that a child's first year of life should be all about them and to fall pregnant deliberately was to short change them. To tell the truth, this is also an area where most mothers I know (even mothers of single children!) doubt themselves. The question we always seem to ask ourselves is "Do I have enough of me to go around?"
If we are going to talk about individual attention, I feel it is important to point out that an only child is not guaranteed enough individual attention either. When I worked as a child carer, I cared for a little boy who had been in full time child care since 6 weeks of age. By full time child care I mean from 7am to 6pm, five days a week. He also spent weekends with his grandparents, to give his Mum a break. The reason for his Mum's heavy work load? She was doing a doctorate in Child Psychology! I am not sure exactly how much "enough" individual attention is, but I do know that he did not get it. While it is true that there are children in large families who do not receive enough individual attention, I object to the idea that this is a inevitable part of being in a large family.
My own children rarely spend a whole day one on one with an adult - but our days are full of touch points. These are points in the day where, for a few moments, they have the undivided attention of either Beloved or myself. There are "Scheduled" touch points such as their story times, bed times, various school or chore times etc. and "unscheduled" touch points. Like when I am sitting resting and one of them folds them self into my lap for a chat or when all of the others are magically absorbed in their own tasks or games or asleep and I fall into conversation or cuddles completely unexpectedly. These moments are rarely more than 20 minutes long - often less than ten minutes - sometimes less than a minute, but scattered throughout the day they add up. I truly believe that this adds up to enough.
Of course, if I did have less children they would each get more attention. If I hadn't had Christopher so soon after I had Billy, it is altogether possible that Billy would not have learned to set the breakfast table unaided as young as he has - simply because I would have had time to do it for him! As it was, he took the initiative to start teaching himself and he sets it almost every morning simply because he wants to. The first words out of his mouth as he walks out into the kitchen in the morning are "Can I get breakfast Mummy?". Perhaps Erin wouldn't have learned to clean up after herself as much as she has because it would have been easier for me to do it for her. But is it a bad thing that they have learned to work independently? I don't think so! They see themselves as contributing in a very real sense to the family, they have refined their skills and constantly use them and build on them, they have a sense of real accomplishment because they actually do achieve something real! I probably would have taken over those tasks because they are "too little" if I hadn't been otherwise occupied.
How much is enough? Enough for what? I want my children to have enough individual attention to know they are loved and that they are listened to. I see the home and myself as their Launch Pad. From here they can fly out to the stars, call back if there is a problem ("Huston, we have a problem!") and come back home to rest and get repairs. Their flight, however, is their own. I do not believe that enmeshing myself in their lives and being an inextricable part of every part of their day does my child any favours. I do believe that I need to put their needs as priority in my day and be available when they need me, not hover over their every move.
Another point that needs to be made is while my children do not have me on tap, they are rarely alone. On Saturday as Beloved and I sat reading in our arm chairs and Billy was asleep, Erin and Christopher played together on the lounge room mat. Erin wasn't a parental substitute, she was being a big sister! It is rare that any of the children are alone unless they want to be and their relationships with their siblings provide something that cannot be provided any other way. While they may miss out on some of the attention that they would have otherwise have gotten from me, this is balanced out by the many positives of their sibling relationships.
While a large family isn't necessarily a wonderful, functioning, supportive family, large families have produced some of the most successful people in the world - they have also produced some of the happiest and most content people I know. I fully believe they got all they needed in terms of attention, in order to achieve what they needed to. To presume that children from a large family are suffering emotional and/or physical neglect purely because of the numbers is simply ignorant.
As I have spent time thinking about this series of myth busters, I have come to the conclusion that no matter what you do there will be someone who disagrees. So:
Instead of worrying about what people say of you,
why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire.
why not spend time trying to accomplish something they will admire.
Dale Carnegie
Instead of stressing about people judging me as a bad mother, unable to give time and attention to "all those children", I think I will just focus on loving my kids!
(oh, and yes, I know this Monday Mythbuster got posted on Tuesday. A little issue with the scheduling function on my Blogger! I entered the wrong date - oops!)
Instead of stressing about people judging me as a bad mother, unable to give time and attention to "all those children", I think I will just focus on loving my kids!
(oh, and yes, I know this Monday Mythbuster got posted on Tuesday. A little issue with the scheduling function on my Blogger! I entered the wrong date - oops!)
Monday, November 17, 2008
Monday Mythbuster: Help!
Myth: All help is helpful.
I have a household policy of accepting all offers of help unless they will severely negatively effect the family. I find it sifts the genuine from the non-genuine pretty quickly and in this age where so few help, I believe every attempt in this area should be encouraged! I am ALWAYS thankful for the thought. The act, however, isn't always as helpful as the 'helper' intended! Let me explain.
I was once sick with the flu. Of course, so were the children and so was Jon - they were all much worse than me (i.e. they were bedridden, I could drag myself around). We were ALL miserable. Just as I was about to put tea in the crock pot, there was a knock at the door. Bliss! Someone knew we weren't well and was offering to bring around tea that evening!! Of course I accepted. I put the sausages back in the freezer (I hadn't defrosted them yet) and turned my attention to the train wreck that was the lounge room and laundry. Fast forward to mid-afternoon. My helper let me know there had been a slight crisis (they broke my crock pot that they had borrowed and were going to replace it) but tea was still coming. I was a bit sad about the crock pot, but it was going to be replaced so I wasn't worried. I said not to worry about tea but they insisted, so I stuck with what I was doing. Time ticked by, and ticked by, and ticked by. My overtired, sick and hungry children were approaching bedtime and there was still no sign of tea. I got out the sausages and started defrosting and there was a knock at the door, just letting me know that tea WAS on it's way still.
Tea finally arrived about an hour after the children's bed time, about two hours after I had PLANNED to put them to bed that night. I was thankful for the soup in the end, but I sobbed a few tears of exhaustion and frustration as I cooked the sausages after the children and Jon were in bed. I had already defrosted them and they needed to be cooked, but I was so ill and tired I could barely stand. The thought was appreciated, but the actual help made life harder for me, not easier. I had filled that time in the morning that I would have used to prepare tea with other things, relying on the offer of help. I HAD planned to make tea in the morning because I knew we'd need an early tea and an early night and I knew I'd be too tired to cook. The thought was genuine, but to be truly helpful they needed to tell me mid-afternoon that tea would be that late, then I would have been able to cook at a reasonable hour and save the soup 'till the next day. It also didn't help that the next time I saw my helper I was treated to a long story of how difficult it was to help me, complete with the band aid on her finger to show how she'd cut herself performing her good deed. To tell the truth, a tiny part of me felt like breaking that finger! But seeing as she meant well, I just thanked her and let it be.
There is also the incident of the relative and the washing. When Christopher was a few days old she turned up and offered to help for the afternoon. I thanked her and asked her to bring in the washing for me. She did so, complaining the WHOLE time about how much washing there was and how much Erin talked (excited 3 year olds get a little chatty, who knew??). When she had it inside I invited her to sit and have a cuppa and a rest after her hard work, but she insisted that she wanted to fold it all for me. So I let her go ahead. Again, the whole time I was told how this amount of washing was the amount she'd do in a week or more (really??? Who'd have thought a single woman would make less washing than a family of five with two in cloth nappies!!). Finally she pronounced that she'd finished and, after sipping a cuppa for a while, she left and went home.
I went to put the washing away and found that she'd folded less than a third of the washing and left the folded portion sitting on the top to make it look like she'd done it all (crushing what was underneath). Now, I don't know about anyone else, but in the first weeks after a baby is born I can't let the laundry pile up even a little bit or it just takes over the house - this was especially so after Christopher as he would projectile vomit at least 15 times a day at this stage (quite happily mind you, but in copious quantity!). Of course, I didn't find that the washing wasn't folded until I was about to start the evening routine of baths and tea and didn't have time to fold it. I folded it in the end when I would have otherwise been collapsing into bed. And yes, there were a few hormonal tears of frustration.
But I think the worst was the dinner guest and the washing. We had invited a family to join us for dinner. After dinner our guest noted the pile of clean, dry washing waiting to be folded with shocked horror. She insisted on helping me fold it right there and then and while we folded, she lectured me on how to keep house and stay on top of the washing (she had two children born three years apart, now in their teens, and parents who lived close by and were very involved in her life with babysitting etc. I didn't find much in her diatribe in terms of practical tips!). At the end of the evening the washing was all nicely folded, saving me from having to do it after she left, but I felt like a complete failure. It wasn't her help I found fault with, it was her judgement. I didn't have the heart to point out that I had left the washing 'till later so Erin and I could find some special flowers to decorate the table for them - I still believe I made the better choice, I just wish I'd hid the washing to avoid her judgement!
As I said, I accept all offers of help and I truly appreciate the spirit even if the act isn't always helpful!! But if you REALLY want to help - do it without complaining or judging (2 Cor 9:7 - God loves a cheerful giver!!), say what you can do then do what you say you will!!
It may make you feel good to promise the world, but if you can't deliver don't offer it. "A person who doesn't give a promised gift is like clouds and wind that don't bring rain." Proverbs 25:14. If you have ever lived through drought, you will know just how heartbreaking this can be!!
Myth: Busted
I have a household policy of accepting all offers of help unless they will severely negatively effect the family. I find it sifts the genuine from the non-genuine pretty quickly and in this age where so few help, I believe every attempt in this area should be encouraged! I am ALWAYS thankful for the thought. The act, however, isn't always as helpful as the 'helper' intended! Let me explain.
I was once sick with the flu. Of course, so were the children and so was Jon - they were all much worse than me (i.e. they were bedridden, I could drag myself around). We were ALL miserable. Just as I was about to put tea in the crock pot, there was a knock at the door. Bliss! Someone knew we weren't well and was offering to bring around tea that evening!! Of course I accepted. I put the sausages back in the freezer (I hadn't defrosted them yet) and turned my attention to the train wreck that was the lounge room and laundry. Fast forward to mid-afternoon. My helper let me know there had been a slight crisis (they broke my crock pot that they had borrowed and were going to replace it) but tea was still coming. I was a bit sad about the crock pot, but it was going to be replaced so I wasn't worried. I said not to worry about tea but they insisted, so I stuck with what I was doing. Time ticked by, and ticked by, and ticked by. My overtired, sick and hungry children were approaching bedtime and there was still no sign of tea. I got out the sausages and started defrosting and there was a knock at the door, just letting me know that tea WAS on it's way still.
Tea finally arrived about an hour after the children's bed time, about two hours after I had PLANNED to put them to bed that night. I was thankful for the soup in the end, but I sobbed a few tears of exhaustion and frustration as I cooked the sausages after the children and Jon were in bed. I had already defrosted them and they needed to be cooked, but I was so ill and tired I could barely stand. The thought was appreciated, but the actual help made life harder for me, not easier. I had filled that time in the morning that I would have used to prepare tea with other things, relying on the offer of help. I HAD planned to make tea in the morning because I knew we'd need an early tea and an early night and I knew I'd be too tired to cook. The thought was genuine, but to be truly helpful they needed to tell me mid-afternoon that tea would be that late, then I would have been able to cook at a reasonable hour and save the soup 'till the next day. It also didn't help that the next time I saw my helper I was treated to a long story of how difficult it was to help me, complete with the band aid on her finger to show how she'd cut herself performing her good deed. To tell the truth, a tiny part of me felt like breaking that finger! But seeing as she meant well, I just thanked her and let it be.
There is also the incident of the relative and the washing. When Christopher was a few days old she turned up and offered to help for the afternoon. I thanked her and asked her to bring in the washing for me. She did so, complaining the WHOLE time about how much washing there was and how much Erin talked (excited 3 year olds get a little chatty, who knew??). When she had it inside I invited her to sit and have a cuppa and a rest after her hard work, but she insisted that she wanted to fold it all for me. So I let her go ahead. Again, the whole time I was told how this amount of washing was the amount she'd do in a week or more (really??? Who'd have thought a single woman would make less washing than a family of five with two in cloth nappies!!). Finally she pronounced that she'd finished and, after sipping a cuppa for a while, she left and went home.
I went to put the washing away and found that she'd folded less than a third of the washing and left the folded portion sitting on the top to make it look like she'd done it all (crushing what was underneath). Now, I don't know about anyone else, but in the first weeks after a baby is born I can't let the laundry pile up even a little bit or it just takes over the house - this was especially so after Christopher as he would projectile vomit at least 15 times a day at this stage (quite happily mind you, but in copious quantity!). Of course, I didn't find that the washing wasn't folded until I was about to start the evening routine of baths and tea and didn't have time to fold it. I folded it in the end when I would have otherwise been collapsing into bed. And yes, there were a few hormonal tears of frustration.
But I think the worst was the dinner guest and the washing. We had invited a family to join us for dinner. After dinner our guest noted the pile of clean, dry washing waiting to be folded with shocked horror. She insisted on helping me fold it right there and then and while we folded, she lectured me on how to keep house and stay on top of the washing (she had two children born three years apart, now in their teens, and parents who lived close by and were very involved in her life with babysitting etc. I didn't find much in her diatribe in terms of practical tips!). At the end of the evening the washing was all nicely folded, saving me from having to do it after she left, but I felt like a complete failure. It wasn't her help I found fault with, it was her judgement. I didn't have the heart to point out that I had left the washing 'till later so Erin and I could find some special flowers to decorate the table for them - I still believe I made the better choice, I just wish I'd hid the washing to avoid her judgement!
As I said, I accept all offers of help and I truly appreciate the spirit even if the act isn't always helpful!! But if you REALLY want to help - do it without complaining or judging (2 Cor 9:7 - God loves a cheerful giver!!), say what you can do then do what you say you will!!
It may make you feel good to promise the world, but if you can't deliver don't offer it. "A person who doesn't give a promised gift is like clouds and wind that don't bring rain." Proverbs 25:14. If you have ever lived through drought, you will know just how heartbreaking this can be!!
Myth: Busted
Monday, September 22, 2008
Monday Mythbusters: early risers
There seems to be this mistaken belief out there that all parents with young children are up and about at the crack of dawn. This wouldn't bother me at all except for the fact that some people with this assumption feel perfectly fine about dropping in unannounced before 9am, or even 8am! I have even had phone calls before 7am because they figured I'd be up and about "with all those children".
Sleep is a contentious issue for most families with young children and I have met no two families with the same approach. Sleep patterns are adjusted around work, social events, parenting style, teething, illness, bad dreams and personality. In our family the standard is kids in bed by 8pm and we USUALLY don't hear from them again until 7:30-8am. They know they are allowed to play (preferably quietly!) in their room in the morning but they must not leave their room until they are told they are allowed to unless it is for the toilet or to knock on our bedroom door and speak to us. The fact that none of us are morning people means that if we have been out late the night before and have no pressing need to get up, we have been known to sleep in until 9am or even later! Especially if we have had a restless night for some reason.
Even if we are bang on routine, and I have "risen while it is still dark" like the proverbs 31 woman, there are some mornings I simply don't make it out of my PJ's until after 10am. When I was in the habit of getting up between 5 and 6am, I often put off getting dressed immediately so I could slip back into bed and give Beloved a cuddle with his morning coffee. If I have had a crisis like urgent nappy leakage to deal with first up, getting dressed slips down on the list of priorities. Now I am rarely dressed up to the nines, but I do not consider my night attire appropriate for receiving visitors! Of course I am not going to turn anyone away because I am not dressed appropriately, but I would prefer non-urgent visits were put off until a decent hour! I had a neighbour who had a habit of sending her young teenage sons around with messages or questions before 9am (sometimes even before 8am) which was EXTREMELY embarrassing for the poor lads and myself. I would have preferred she pop over herself or call, but never got up the guts to mention it to her. The thing is a part of me feels I SHOULD be up and dressed and have the housework done by 4am, however irrational that is.
Even families who DO get up and going early are often very busy during the fringe hours of morning and evening, preparing for the transition between day and night. If you do not know a family's routine, in my opinion, the polite thing to do is leave phone calls until after 8am and unannounced visits until after 9am (10am if you are visiting me!). Be sensitive to the fact that mornings are a very busy time in most households. I often have a phone tucked under my ear while I do morning chores and chat to my Mum or a friend but not everyone is as adaptable.
The conclusion is all families are different! I am not going to tar and feather anyone who breaks the 'rules' however, like most others, I appreciate people being sensitive to my family's needs.
Don't assume you know, be open to learn what is.
Myth: Busted!
Sleep is a contentious issue for most families with young children and I have met no two families with the same approach. Sleep patterns are adjusted around work, social events, parenting style, teething, illness, bad dreams and personality. In our family the standard is kids in bed by 8pm and we USUALLY don't hear from them again until 7:30-8am. They know they are allowed to play (preferably quietly!) in their room in the morning but they must not leave their room until they are told they are allowed to unless it is for the toilet or to knock on our bedroom door and speak to us. The fact that none of us are morning people means that if we have been out late the night before and have no pressing need to get up, we have been known to sleep in until 9am or even later! Especially if we have had a restless night for some reason.
Even if we are bang on routine, and I have "risen while it is still dark" like the proverbs 31 woman, there are some mornings I simply don't make it out of my PJ's until after 10am. When I was in the habit of getting up between 5 and 6am, I often put off getting dressed immediately so I could slip back into bed and give Beloved a cuddle with his morning coffee. If I have had a crisis like urgent nappy leakage to deal with first up, getting dressed slips down on the list of priorities. Now I am rarely dressed up to the nines, but I do not consider my night attire appropriate for receiving visitors! Of course I am not going to turn anyone away because I am not dressed appropriately, but I would prefer non-urgent visits were put off until a decent hour! I had a neighbour who had a habit of sending her young teenage sons around with messages or questions before 9am (sometimes even before 8am) which was EXTREMELY embarrassing for the poor lads and myself. I would have preferred she pop over herself or call, but never got up the guts to mention it to her. The thing is a part of me feels I SHOULD be up and dressed and have the housework done by 4am, however irrational that is.
Even families who DO get up and going early are often very busy during the fringe hours of morning and evening, preparing for the transition between day and night. If you do not know a family's routine, in my opinion, the polite thing to do is leave phone calls until after 8am and unannounced visits until after 9am (10am if you are visiting me!). Be sensitive to the fact that mornings are a very busy time in most households. I often have a phone tucked under my ear while I do morning chores and chat to my Mum or a friend but not everyone is as adaptable.
The conclusion is all families are different! I am not going to tar and feather anyone who breaks the 'rules' however, like most others, I appreciate people being sensitive to my family's needs.
Don't assume you know, be open to learn what is.
Myth: Busted!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Monday Mythbuster: Mums of Many are Superwomen
I've decided that every now and then on a Monday, I am going to bust a myth. The number of myths "out there" about families, especially large families, is astounding.
Myth #1: All Mums of Many are Superwomen
Of course I can only speak from my own experience, and I am only just technically a Mum of Many (the government classes families with three or more children as 'large' families), but all my experience says - no, we aren't. It is strange to get comments like "Oh, I don't know where you get the energy!" and "You must be a saint, I struggle with two!". The thing is, I remember the milky tears of getting used to my firstborn, the panic of working out the logistics of bathing TWO children and getting them to bed for the first time, losing my temper with the older two children and sending them to their room before sobbing along with the youngest whose fingers just got jammed in the door (well, that was only a fortnight ago!). Today, I crashed out for twenty minutes in an arm chair again while the boys were asleep without clering the lunch dishes or tidying the bomb site that is my lounge - perhaps that's where I get my energy! The thing is, those times when I hit a wall are when I start thinking I SHOULD be supermum. When I start beating myself up about the dishes in the sink, when I am paralysed with the guilt of not being everything to everyone. And get this, I'm a good Mum! Really, I am. My kids are healthy, reasonably well adjusted, emotionally secure, bright individuals. They aren't perfect, but they're pretty good. I hug them every day, read to them every day, pray with them every day, feed them semi-decent food (healthy by many standards!) and clothe them in clean, comfortable clothes.
The thing is, I'm not a superwoman. None of the Mums I have met are. The fact that I'm not a supermum hasn't put me off having more children mostly because I have known some BRILLIANT mothers of large families who are also gloriously human. I wish all women could meet these Mums. The thing is, I have met some wonderful mothers who have told me that they would LOVE to have more children, but don't because they have bad days with the ones they have. I find this tragic. I think I have about the same number of bad days now as when I had just one. They happen! Paul wrote to the church of Corinth "he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." We need to stop pretending to be superwomen and give the glory to God. Perhaps then, women will stop being guilty for not being superwomen and draw on HIS strength. Perhaps then women won't be afraid to have more children if they so desire and plunge head first into the wonderful, amazing world of larger families.
Myth: Busted
Myth #1: All Mums of Many are Superwomen
Of course I can only speak from my own experience, and I am only just technically a Mum of Many (the government classes families with three or more children as 'large' families), but all my experience says - no, we aren't. It is strange to get comments like "Oh, I don't know where you get the energy!" and "You must be a saint, I struggle with two!". The thing is, I remember the milky tears of getting used to my firstborn, the panic of working out the logistics of bathing TWO children and getting them to bed for the first time, losing my temper with the older two children and sending them to their room before sobbing along with the youngest whose fingers just got jammed in the door (well, that was only a fortnight ago!). Today, I crashed out for twenty minutes in an arm chair again while the boys were asleep without clering the lunch dishes or tidying the bomb site that is my lounge - perhaps that's where I get my energy! The thing is, those times when I hit a wall are when I start thinking I SHOULD be supermum. When I start beating myself up about the dishes in the sink, when I am paralysed with the guilt of not being everything to everyone. And get this, I'm a good Mum! Really, I am. My kids are healthy, reasonably well adjusted, emotionally secure, bright individuals. They aren't perfect, but they're pretty good. I hug them every day, read to them every day, pray with them every day, feed them semi-decent food (healthy by many standards!) and clothe them in clean, comfortable clothes.
The thing is, I'm not a superwoman. None of the Mums I have met are. The fact that I'm not a supermum hasn't put me off having more children mostly because I have known some BRILLIANT mothers of large families who are also gloriously human. I wish all women could meet these Mums. The thing is, I have met some wonderful mothers who have told me that they would LOVE to have more children, but don't because they have bad days with the ones they have. I find this tragic. I think I have about the same number of bad days now as when I had just one. They happen! Paul wrote to the church of Corinth "he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." We need to stop pretending to be superwomen and give the glory to God. Perhaps then, women will stop being guilty for not being superwomen and draw on HIS strength. Perhaps then women won't be afraid to have more children if they so desire and plunge head first into the wonderful, amazing world of larger families.
Myth: Busted
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)